Happy New Year

My Take on Goal Setting and New Year's Resolutions...

It seems hard to believe that another year has come and gone. When I was young it seemed that time moved so so so slowly. I remember being very clear in what I wanted and the agonizing pace at which time seemed move as I longed to reach the ages where I could achieve what I wanted to do. Now I find that the older I get the more I have to make a deliberate effort to slow things down and check in with myself to make sure I'm not just spinning my wheels or even moving away from what I desire. Without taking time to self-reflect and set new goals for ourselves we risk spending years without any real personal growth.

Now let me be clear that just watching myself type the phrase "set new goals" immediately made a part of my brain say "ew, no we don't like goals." When we're young our family and our culture largely dictates for us what our goals should be. From the first day of kindergarten to graduation day, the milestones we need to achieve what we want are largely assigned to us without us realizing it. Then we get to a certain age when we need to start setting our own more personalized goals. 

When I first began learning about goal-setting it involved picking a specific desired achievement and then making a detailed list of objectives to describe how that goal would be achieved. If that works for you - great. For this Gemini, that is a far too rigid approach in most cases. Personally I like to take a more fluid approach toward personal growth. Like most people my enthusiasm waxes and wanes. Instead of feeling like I failed because I only practiced piano once this week instead of four times I try to focus on simple forward motion. As long as by the end of the month I've made some progress in my playing I will be happy with that. It doesn't mean I won't work as hard at it, I'm just eliminating that sense of stress and feeling of failure that comes from unnecessary check lists.

That being said, there are times when specific goal setting is necessary. There are some areas of our lives like personal finance, our jobs and even our health where we might need to be more hyper focused on completing specific tasks on a day to day basis. Maybe you like to keep a clean inbox or make a point to take a walk every day. Creating healthy habits is absolutely the foundation of long term personal growth. It's difficult to grow if we have too much clutter in our lives. Major changes however often require a different approach and an authentic emotional investment.

It's often an oversimplification to simply strive for a particular job position, body type or financial status. To really become motivated and achieve something that's going to be life changing we should, as much as possible, actually want to do it. If our New Year resolution is to "eat healthier" that shouldn't be the beginning and end of our goal. What do we really want to do? Improve our health? Learn new recipes? Be better at meal planing? Breaking major changes down into smaller parts allows us to create a process that can actually be enjoyable rather than a chore and make us actually want to stick with it. 

Weight loss for example is a common New Year's resolution. For many of us though there is so much emotional baggage surrounding weight and food that this task can quickly become overwhelming. Instead of focusing on such a broad goal we would likely be better served by choosing a related goal. We could make a point to walk daily, or eat vegetarian a couple of times per week. If you're a gadget geek trying something like the FitBit might be fun. 

Whatever goal we have it should resonate in a way that we get excited about what we're trying to achieve. 

Be Well,

- Nicole

31 Days of Living Well and Spending Zero - Days 17 - 31

October is over and so is the challenge! Days 17-31 were packed with some great ideas for avoiding spending. A few highlights...

Day 17 - Free Halloween Costumes: I was certain that my daughter would insist on a Disney Princess costume for Halloween this year; however, when I suggested she make use of her dress up clothes and go as a fairy princess she was all for it! While I certainly can't guarantee that children will always be this agreeable, I think often times we adults assume our children want store bought things when they're already happy with what they have.

Day 22 - Sell your stuff: If you're in need of some extra cash take some time to look around and see what's worth selling. You'd be amazed at what people will buy. Even odd little nick-knacks can fetch a few bucks on e-bay. It adds up quick!

Day 25 - Try Bartending (ooops Bartering): Okay, when I was doing the challenge I misread this one. It's supposed to be bartering, but my eyes read "bar tending" (I was thinking they made a typo and formed it as one word). Anyways....I like both. 

Let's start with bar tending. Now I'm not much of a alcohol drinker, but I am a big drinker of coffee and coffee related beverages. Now if you're like me you know that buying these beverages can be a major budget buster. Unfortunately espresso machines are not cheap. There are however some great alternatives. At my house we use a Bialetti Moka Express Espresso maker that can be used on the stove top and purchased usually for less than $50. This along with  a wand-type milk frother, which can be found for less than $10, has saved us a lot of money. Want the coffee shop atmosphere? Turn off the TV, throw on some jazz or acoustic music and dim the lights. Voila!

Now for bartering.... I like bartering because not only can you save some money but it's also social and can be very rewarding. I've had several great bartering experiences. I once traded snow tires for a Nintendo Wii. Last year I dog sat in exchange for having an antique doll house refurbished. More recently I traded my old saxophone for a really nice electric piano. If I hadn't arranged these barters I'm fairly certain I would not have the electric piano, and the dollhouse would likely still be in disrepair (I since donated the Wii). 

Day 27 - Free Family Activities - This is one of my favorites because it echos one of my top pieces of advice which is, instead of buying something - do something! Whether it's a quiet day at home, playing games, going on a hike, bike riding, or finding a local event with free admission there are many ways we can have fun simply by spending time together. Mall dwelling should mostly be avoided. Shop when you actually need something, not as something to do!

Day 30 - Plan for the Holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas are fast approaching, and if you're like most of us that means some inevitable expenses. Everyone feels differently about the appropriate amount to spend during this time of year, so I'm not going to get into a lecture about what you should or should not buy. The important thing is that we make a plan. Make a list or mark on a calendar what will be purchase, when and the estimated cost. If you're hosting Thanksgiving start buying the non-perishables now. Appropriate planning will help reduce a lot of unnecessary stress and allow us to enjoy this festive time of year.

A special thanks to the Living Well, Spending Less blog for this fantastic challenge!

Be Well,

- Nicole

31 Days of Living Well and Spending Zero - day 7

Ok, so maybe I won't post every day. Anyways, I'm back to post about my family's progress toward the zero spending goal. So far it's going very well. I don't have any non-essential spending to report. We did end up doing a rather large grocery shopping on Saturday at the club store we belong to, but that being said we stayed focus on buying only essential ingredients and avoided snack food and beverages.

Day 4: The homework for day 4 was, "plan a meal swap" with the main focus being to cook in bulk. We don't really have anyone locally that we can practically do this with, so we opted to not participate in the swap but definitely did take on the recommendation of cooking in bulk. We've done this before and we're always glad we did. It's also one of the reasons we went to the club store. on Day 4. We stocked up on large quantities of meat and produce which facilitated the created of several portions of Potato Leek Soup, Shepherd's Pie and Pot Roast with fixings. What I liked best was that last night instead of rushing through making dinner I was able to come home, pop the pre-made Shepherd's Pie into the oven and then enjoy a game of Candy Land with my daughter. Not to mention there was far less clean-up after dinner.

Day 5: Day 5 was "eat out at home" day. We haven't done this yet, but I definitely plan on trying the home made Frapucinos!

Day 6: Day 6 was "get a free education" day. This goes back to my #1 money saving tip - "instead of buying something, do something. Personally, I'm working on building my skills on the two musical instruments I play. I'm also taking some time to brush up on my industry knowledge using the free classes available on Coursera. My husband will be back out in the woods hunting next week. Whatever it is, whether the re-invigoration of a once favored pass time or taking up something new by not wasting our days shopping we will find that we have much more time to build more fruitful skills.

Day 7: Day 7 is for "Week 1 Reflection". So far it's going really well. Personally, I'm not a big shopper to begin with. I loath shopping actually, but there are still silly little ways we all waste money even if we're not mall dwellers. I think for my family the biggest realization was that we have to do a better job meal planning, and also to stay away from the coffee shops. We love our mochas, but not enough for them to be a line item on our budget.

The next two days are all about cleaning the house. While I appreciate the gesture, the author of the blog hosting this clearly does not work a 9-5 like I do. Hauling out the house in the middle of the week doesn't exactly fit my lifestyle. So, I'm going to work that in where it works best for me. My husband and I actually did a pretty big cleaning a couple of weeks ago, so I might come up with some alternatives for the next couple of days. Stay tuned!

Be Well,
- Nicole

31 Days of Living Well and Spending Zero - day 3

I know I said I would post every day and have already missed a day, but in all fairness I was down for the count yesterday with a bad head cold and didn't have the brainpower to formulate a blog post. I'm back on track though and ready to move forward with the challenge. Here's a a bit of a recap.

Day 1 - Went very well. We did send the dog to dog daycare, but if you knew my dog you would know that is a necessity. If he doesn't go at least once a week he becomes impossible. Some might disagree, but I'm calling that a necessity.

Total unnecessary spending - $0

Day 2 - Could have been better. I mindlessly bought some ice cream and a bone for my dog, both which were certainly not necessities. Especially considering I have all the ingredients for brownies and/or a variety of cookies at home if I really wanted something sweet. 

Total unnecessary spending - $8.18

Today - Today is going well. There is one major thing I should mention, however. My husband is buying a new truck today. It's something we have been going back and forth on for a while. He really needs it for his line of work and as much as we have tried to make due with our current vehicles, the time has come for him to make this purchase. To be fair though, we began researching and arranging this before we knew about the challenge so I'm giving us a pass on this. 

Now the homework for yesterday was to clean out the pantry and today's assignment was to do some meal planning. I will be working on both of those tonight. This part is especially interesting to me because I think a lot of people have the misconception that eating well is expensive. I joke, however, that my husband and I ate the healthiest when our income was at it's lowest. When we were first married I was a full time college student. We spent a good amount of time living primarily on oatmeal, beans, cheddar cheese, vegetables and rice. It's actually amazing how many great recipes you can make with these simple foods as a base. Not to mention that your wallet and waistline will thank you for it.

So that's my task over the next 24 hours. Go through the cabinets and see what's for dinner this week. While I don't keep a lot of back stock, I know I have an abundance of dried beans that are waiting to be cooked up. Off the top of my head I'm thinking I have the fixings for Potato Leek Soup, Mung Dal, Vegetarian Chili, Beans, Rice & Tomato (one of my favorite budget meals) and Shttp://www.livingwellspendingless.com/31-days/livingwellspendingzero/paghetti. I'll update tomorrow and let you know if I find any surprises!

Be Well!

- Nicole

What Ruth Said - 31 Days of Living Well and Spending Zero

31 Days of Living Well and Spending Zero

Whoa, where did September go? I've been very busy with a host of projects over the last few weeks. My jaw dropped when I realized I hadn't posted since August! That being said, sometimes when life becomes hectic it becomes easy to let our guard down when it comes to our personal financial habits. So, I'm taking the month of October to re-evaluate and re-prioritize using the "31 Days of Living Well and Spending Zero" challenge from "Living Well Spending Less".

I will be posting daily using Ruth's daily prompts. Today involves setting ground rules. We all have different definitions about what is "essential spending" and there may some things that we're already committed to that will involve some "non-essential spending". For example, being a parent of a pre-schooler I will have some costs associated with Halloween. I'm also part of a wedding party in early November that will result in some expenses. That being said, I can still step back and look closely at each related purchase and make an effort to do it as inexpensively as possible.

We'll see how it goes. Check it out and stay tuned!

Be Well,
Nicole

Why I Quit Candy Crush

The Importance of Breaking Bad Habits

I've never been much into video games, but it seems that every few years there will be that one game (Tetris, JT's Blocks, Snood, Angry Birds) that sucks me in. When this happens it seems no matter how much I try to set limits, I find myself going back for more throughout the day. I'll find any excuse to "take a break" or "go to the bathroom" just to sneak in a session during which I'm certain I will make it past the level I've been stuck on. Maybe you can relate, or maybe not. But, even if it's not a video game habit, there can often be these little innocuous addictions that pop up in our lives that before we know it really begin to affect our overall wellness.

How did I know Candy Crush was becoming a problem? I started to experience cognitive symptoms that felt, what I imagine to be, similar to ADD. I was having trouble remembering things, focusing on tasks, keeping myself organized and meeting deadlines. I became more lax with personal tasks like housekeeping, financial record keeping, and meal planning. I was less interested in leisure activities I enjoy such as reading, writing and sketching. Instead of going for a walk on my lunch break, I would sneak in a few more rounds. Clearly it was time to stop the obsession.

I had attempted to quit Candy Crush before, going weeks without playing, but would inevitably end up convincing myself to play "just one round" and then wind up hooked once again. Like many addictive behaviors it was not going to be enough to "cut back", I was going to have to eliminate it completely. So, as of this afternoon I have officially deleted the game from my Facebook and removed the game from my phone.

Now, for those of you out there who have never been sucked down the rabbit hole of gaming this may sound ridiculous, but truthfully most of us have some sort of insidious coping mechanism that we would be better off with out. It could be drinking too much coffee, too much television or obsessive checking of e-mail and social media. Whatever it is we're all doing it for the same reason; a quick hit of dopamine that makes us feel oh-so-good, for at least a few minutes. It's no wonder why these bad habits tend to manifest when we may be feeling stressed or unhappy.

So think about it, and whatever it is for you, join me and quit it. Pick a date, make a plan, pick a healthy replacement and be a better you!

Be Well!
- Nicole

Embracing Autumn; The Other "New Year"

There is something about the cooler weather and shorter days of late August that never ceases in offering me a sense of pleasant anticipation. For me, the feeling of fall brings with it a sense of "returning to normal". I know that my perspective does not apply to everyone, but I know there are others out there who can relate to what I'm saying here. While I love the summer with it's warm weather, cook-outs, camp-outs and swimming, the hectic frenzy of weddings, family reunions and late nights celebrated in a haze of humidity can also be very draining. By this time of year I'm ready for a change in pace.

More than any other time of the year, fall has always presented as my best time for renewal. Maybe it's my introverted nature or years of being habituated by the rhythm of the school calendar. Perhaps it's the fatigue that comes from the sense of urgency created by the short New England summer to cram in as much fun as possible. Whatever it is, the sense of everything slowing down offers me the best opportunity to reexamine and re-energize.

Items to consider...

Intellectual Development - With the coming school year we are all inundated by the marketing messages of, "back to school." Regardless of whether or not we ourselves are students, or parents of one, this is a good time to think about where we're at with our own intellectual development. I use the term intellectual development instead of "education" because I think when we hear the word "education" we are apt to think of classes and textbooks. While taking a class is certainly part of this, it's not the only means of working our minds.

On a professional level we may work in a field that requires continuous education in which case we may be meeting this need by happenstance. For others we may not have this requirement and may need to make more of a personal effort to gain additional expertise in our profession. If your line of work does not require specific continuing education requirements, see what's available for literature, quality web content and conferences to help keep you up to speed in your field.

On a personal level, exploring areas such as our own spirituality, hobbies and interests are other avenues where we can experience intellectual development. It could be as simple as reading the biography of someone we admire, or as in depth as attending a retreat or going back to school.

Why is this important? - If we don't occasionally look outside of our own world we can become very self-centered. Before we know it we don't see past our own little world of self, children, spouse, job and all of the little in's and out's of our daily lives. By taking some time to learn something new we make connections with the world around us and are better able to balance our own sense of being with that of others.

Housekeeping - Nothing bogs us down practically and spiritually more than unnecessary clutter. It's time to get organized! There are few things in life that offer as much instant gratification as cleaning out a closet or cluttered desk. Yet we will always tend to put these sorts of things off if we don't set aside the time to deal with them.

If your not sure where to begin the best first step is often going room by room and seeing what can simply be tossed or donated. Closets and basements are usually the best places to start. From there it's a matter of going from space to space to sort out what goes where. The goal should be for everything to have it's own place and to avoid just sticking things in random places. If you need supplies to assist with storage and organization discount stores like Big Lots can be a great place to obtain containers and shelves. there are also TONS of great blogs solely dedicated to home organization.

Finances - As an extension of housekeeping, examining our finances using the "Prosperity Check" is a must this time of year. The stretch between summer vacation and the holidays is a great time to sit down and see where we're at financially. It's also a good time to plan a budget and savings plan for Christmas shopping, holiday parties and other year end obligations so we're not having to do financial gymnastics at the last minute to cover these expenses if we choose them.

Our Health - With access to fresh produce at it's peak and cooler temperatures prevailing, the fall is an ideal time to take a look at our diet and fitness habits. While I'm not a health and fitness expert I do feel confidant in saying that whatever approach we take it should be moderate and sustainable. Avoid fad diets, harsh cleanses and quick fixes. Sending yourself on a physical roller-coaster will inevitability be felt mentally as well and in the end will only prove to do more to move us away from our goals than toward them.

We also need to consider our mental health as well. What's working? What's not working? Are we taking time to decompress throughout the day, or are we frenetically bouncing from one task to the next? Are we embracing our spiritual practice or pushing it aside? There is nothing like a cool, rainy fall day to take some time for prayer and/or meditation.

Make Your Plan - Whether we choose to focus on one of these things, all of these things, or subjects not even covered here the most important point to all of this is that we're checking in with ourselves to make sure we're on track toward personal growth and that we're not holding ourselves back with procrastination and excuses.

Be Well,
Nicole

The Perplexing Case of Ohio State

A Symptom of a Bigger Issue

The director of the award winning Ohio State marching band was fired recently for allegedly allowing a hyper-sexual culture in the band program that, in the opinion of some, amounted to sexual harassment. Now we don't really know what exactly happened other than what has been reported by the media. However, the general feeling is that decades of somewhat risque traditions came to a screeching halt when a handful of people became offended.

Now what does this have to do with career, money and our lives? The fact is that this type of scenario is a symptom of a much broader issue. It was not that long ago when women were often expected to brush off advances and even unwanted touches by their boss. In response we saw the feminist movement and slogans like, "no means no" and "take back the night". It was a necessary and well intended change, but I have to wonder if in some cases we're missing the point of these efforts.

I once had a friendly debate with a friend on the topic. I suggested that women should stand up for themselves and set boundaries when faced with an inappropriate male attention. She argued that this was blaming the victim, that women shouldn't have to do anything and that men should just know better. I agree that in a perfect world that should be the case, but the fact is no matter how much progress women make toward equality there will always be chauvinists. There are also some cases where the offending party may not even realize that their actions are unwanted. The question then becomes, what do we brush off? When should school administrators, HR departments, or in this case, the State Attorney General become involved? At what point do we jeopardize someone's future because we were offended?

It's a delicate balance. Working in a male dominated industry I can honestly say I wouldn't be able to function in my industry if I allowed myself to become flustered by every sexist comment or act of chauvinism I've encountered from co-workers, bosses and even clients. It demands a unique sort of tolerance. That's not to say we should be tolerant of everything. There are times when behavior crosses a line and it becomes necessary for a third party to become involved to resolve a particular situation. And of course a full on assault is absolutely never acceptable. That's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is more the day to day casual comments or even traditions that might raise eyebrows but are not necessarily done with malice.

We also have to consider how, as a culture, we're handling this. It seems that an unfortunate consequence of the feminist movement is that on a societal level men are now seen as predators and women as victims. Instead of playing the blame game we should be working together to set reasonable boundaries. We should also communicate with each other when appropriate to work out our differences. Not just in instances like these, but in many organizational disagreements. Too often I see people running to the boss and blindsiding their co-worker when it is something that should really be resolved between those involved.

I suppose tolerance and communication is the lesson in all of this. I've said it before and I'll continue to say that we have to accept that we can't control the behavior of others. We have to expect that occasionally people will say and do things that are inappropriate and offensive. If we waste our energy walking around being offended and angry, we're only hurting ourselves. Deal with it or be done with it!

The Mystery of the Boomerang Generation

I am a young 30 something, right on the cusp of the millennial generation.What makes a Gen Y person like me different than a Millennial? I remember life before cell phones and computers. I grew up with a television the size of an oven. We had rotary phones, enormous sedans, and permed hair. I well remember the Gulf War and when Russians were the default bad guys in action films. The Clinton years, grunge and MTV were the hallmarks of my youth. Then something changed.

No this isn't going to be yet another writing about the worthlessness of "kids these days." There are a lot of things that I think Millennials do better than those of us who came before them. They demand tolerance and equality. They are largely very thoughtful and intelligent. They also have big dreams and reject conventional consumerism. While all of these traits are a breath of fresh air, they can also make for their own undoing.

A number of studies have shown that marriage is down, birth rates are down and the workforce is aging because so many young people are simply not participating in the "normal" passages of adulthood. In some respects I think it's great that young people are carving out their own definitions of what their lives should be like rather than just adhering to societal norms. At the same time, there has to be some balance and an understanding that not every aspect of life is going to be a profound experience. 

Sometimes we all have to work the job we don't like or take the boring general education class. These days when so much of our lives are customizable it can be easy to forget that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Unfortunately for these "boomerang" kids, they don't appear to see that as an option. There is a mentality of, "I went to college for X, so I am only going to do X." Especially in cases of non-traditional or arts based majors it seems that no one ever explained to them that they might need to get creative, or work a day job for a while.

It's not that I'm trying to bash these folks, nor do I look down on them. Some of these individuals are people I know and love. They're well intended, but they're beating themselves up and gradually giving up on their dreams because their expectations are just way too high in regards to where they expect to be in the short term. 

So, what's the solution? There is no real system that can be applied to existential crises such as this. What I have found when people like this open up to me is that they tend to respond well if they understand that in various ways we've all been there. We all hate our jobs sometimes, wish we lived in a different area or feel like our lives are just simply boring. It doesn't make us failures or mean we sold out. We just recognize that our lives move through cycles and hiding out in our childhood bedrooms is not a solution. Sometimes we're doing exciting things and sometimes we're not.

The bottom line is that life moves in cycles. Despite what the internet culture has lead us to be conditioned to, we can't always have what we want, when we want. We have to learn to embrace the process of reaching our goals and celebrate not only achieving what we want, but the also small accomplishments along the way.

A Little Dab Will Do Ya

When I started this blog I was hoping to regularly post each Thursday. I had a back log of material I wanted to cover and thought that would carry me through for a while. Now after a few months of posting I find myself a bit distracted with other activities and obligations. While I certainly intend to keep this blog going I am going to relax my Thursday deadline and stick to posting when I feel compelled to do so, which I'm hoping will be at least a couple of times per month. By doing this I feel that the content I offer will be richer and deeper than it would be if I was just churning out posts for the sake of it.

With all of this considered I must admit that I am a dabbler. I am prone to what I believe to be fantastic ideas for a variety of projects, making the first few moves and then never following through. In addition to blogs there have been bouts of jewelry making, sewing, painting, novel writing, skiing, golf, knitting and crochet. I used to beat myself up about it, but have been able to forgive and accept this somewhat annoying trait. At the same time I have learned how to moderate it.

The way I figure dabbling is better than being afraid to try; however, when we need to watch our budget, running out and buying supplies or equipment for something we won't follow through with is not necessarily the best idea. So what's a dabbler to do? 

In the past when I would dabble in something I would have big ideas about where it would go. After I bought a set of golf clubs I immediately started looking into tournaments. When I took up various crafts I imagined how I could turn it into a business. That's not to say that these weren't realistic long term goals, but there needs to be realistic expectations about how we'll get there. We dabblers need to learn to take baby steps.

A good way to start is with some simple research. One thing that has really curbed my dabbling is the simple existence of the internet. These days it's much easier to find out material costs and the true amount of time and skill required for any given activity. There are blogs and message boards by the hundreds where we can learn from others who have been there and done that before we make a huge investment of our own time and money.

I also like to categorize my new pursuits as low, medium or high impact. Low impact would be activities like writing or drawing that cost little to no money and can be worked into our regular schedule. I give all low impact activities a free pass. When it comes to these I say, dabble away! Medium impact activities would include activities that would be a minimal investment and moderate equipment and time considerations. This would include most crafts, sports, theater, music and arts. High impact would be those activities that would have a major impact on our budget and lifestyle. These would be things like horseback riding, car racing or pursuing a degree. Overall, the higher level of impact, the more time and research should go into researching before we take the plunge.

I hope you're all having a fantastic start to the summer!

Be Well! 

- Nicole

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

My apologies for missing my Thursday deadline again. Where did this week go! That being said I thought I would use the fact that I'm writing today, on Friday the 13th under the full moon, to address a very serious topic, with a dash of humor - the zombie apocalypse.

People who don't already know might be surprised that I'm really into zombie movies and the whole philosophical idea of a zombie apocalypse. Zombie movies are not simply gory films, but a metaphor for a society that has checked out in someway. They're about the most serious forms of psychic attack that can ultimately cause us to turn on ourselves and each other. These movies offer a visual representation of what happens to us emotionally when we lose our sense of purpose or struggle to maintain our own integrity and virtues when the world seems determined to derail us.

There are many ways we can see this happening around us. In the area where I live one of the major culprits is the use of heroin. My neighbor lost two of his former classmates in the last week alone to this horrible drug. Both of them were under 35. It makes me wonder what leads a person to make the decision to incapacitate themselves. This is of course an extreme example, but it is becoming more common. Even in cases that don't result in death it seems that as a population we are struggling more and more with our ability to cope with every day life.

So what do we do to prevent ourselves from heading down this rabbit hole? Well the first thing we need to recognize is whether or not we're predisposed to self-destructive behavior. If we're experiencing clinical depression, an eating disorder, abusive relationships, addiction or other compulsive behavior, professional help is the necessary next step. Many people though often feel they are more or less just mildly miserable as they go through their daily life. These individuals might not be ready to put a needle in their arm, but it doesn't mean some change isn't needed.

Many people I know in this situation are often stuck in a victim mentality, at least when it comes to certain areas of their lives. They see their situation as something that happened to them and don't believe they themselves have control. How to shake this will vary from person to person. The first step and most difficult step is always the self awareness to know that we need to make a change and that it's up to us to do so. We can't sit around waiting for our boss to make our job better or our spouse to make our relationship better. From there comes the task of learning to cope with the challenges we face.

I don't have any quick answers for this. The journey will be different for everyone, but the key is that if we don't want to become a society riddled with gun violence and drug use we must learn to cope. The threat of a zombie apocalypse is metaphorically always threatening, but through love, compassion and hope we can work together to scare those zombies away.

Happy Friday the 13th!

- Nicole

Keeping Perspective

Are You Self-Centered?

No one likes to think of themselves as self-centered, but to a degree we all are. How can we not be? The problem lies when we become too self-centered and thus lose perspective. Now I want to be clear that self-centered does not equate selfishness. Someone could be very giving and also be self-centered. By self-centered I mean that we struggle with being objective or understanding the view points of others. So how do we know when we've become maybe a bit too self-absorbed and as such have lost perspective? It's a hard thing to admit, so here are some signs:

We think everyone is out to get us: While there are a handful of people out there who try to sabotage others, this is not something the average person is interested in spending their time on. If someone gives us the cold shoulder it might not even have anything to do with us. Maybe they just have something else on their mind.

Little things can throw our whole day off: Are little things like oversleeping or spilling coffee in the car enough to ruin our mood? If the answer is "yes" then it's time to take a step back. While it's normal to get upset for a minute when something like this happens, we're not doing ourselves any favors if we carry these things around all day.

Everyone knows everything about you, but you don't know what's going on with everyone else: So the coffee spilled in the car and then we went and told everyone in the office about it. One by one each of our co-workers heard "guess what happened to me this morning!" Later while sitting at our desk we hear that someone in our office just found out they need surgery or that someone's spouse is leaving them. If we get too caught up in our own stories we might not realize the difficulties also being faced by those around us.

We don't pay attention to the world around us: It's easy to lose perspective when we don't pay attention to the world around us. Even just listening to the news on the radio on the way into work or taking a look at the headlines each day can go a long way. When we begin to understand the amount of real struggle that exists in the world, spilled coffee won't seem like such a big deal.

Not having perspective is a big problem for many of us and it most certainly inhibits happiness, success and our ability to relate to others. If we're always walking around feeling sorry for ourselves, talking about our problems and acting like martyrs it's going to turn people off and limit our ability to appreciate what is going well in our lives.

Mindful Spending

Defining Necessity

I remember talking to my grandmother once about her childhood and what life was like. At one point she made the observation that if a family lived today the way her family did, they would probably be considered poor. They did not have television or computers. They didn't eat out, have cell phones or go on elaborate vacations. Yet they certainly didn't consider themselves poor.

We have to consider how much our definition of necessity has changed. The average family budget has a lot more line items than it did even just 25 years ago. Yet it seems that most of us never stop to think about these additions and what really improves our lives. Instead, we just sign up because that’s the status quo.

Homework time!

I want you to write up a quick list of all of your discretionary expenses. These are those items which are not necessities but are paid on a regular monthly basis. We’re looking for items like cable, internet, cell phones, gaming subscriptions, gym subscriptions, club fees, memberships, etc.  Don’t worry about coming up with exact figures for how much you spend on each, just a rough number is fine.

Now think about something that you have wanted to buy or do. Take a look at that list. Do you really want those things as much as you want whatever it is you think you have not been able to afford?

This is all about mindful spending. We spend hundreds of dollars a month on services and subscriptions that may not even be that meaningful to us. Are people going to laugh at you because you downgraded from a smart phone to a flip-phone or dump cable? From experience I can tell you that yes, they probably will. But, if you’re finally are able to budget in that yoga class, you’ll have the last laugh!

The bottom line is, when we start appropriating our money to the things and experiences we actually want we often find we are better off then we may have realized. We were just nickel and diming ourselves in all the wrong places!

Identifying and Achieving Success

When living in a western society it is often of great importance for many of us to feel successful. Unfortunately many of us often base our definition of success on material achievements. The truth is we really can never assume one way or the other if someone is successful based solely outward appearance. Real success is more than an image; it's a state of being. It's waking up every morning with a sense of peace, fulfillment and knowing that we're moving toward what benefits us and away from what doesn't.

So, how do we become successful? From what I've observed successful people tend to have a certain set of attitudes and behaviors. A lot of these characteristics are a natural part of the personality of successful people, but all of these traits can also be learned.

So what makes people successful? Successful people:

Like to learn new things.
Whether it's reading a book, watching a documentary or taking a class, successful people tend to be inquisitive by nature. Thus they tend to spend a good amount of their free time learning new things and making a point to pay attention to the world around them rather than hang out on the couch or at the mall. Having a well rounded knowledge makes it easier to make connections with people, especially in mixed company where making friends, maintaining relationships or networking for business is important.

Are always progressing professionally.
No matter what we do for work, there are always actions we can be taking to move forward in our jobs. Those who are successful at work are proactive about always seeking out opportunities to help others, learning new tasks, working with mentors, or developing projects that will improve their workplace. They're also not shy to ask their boss for a review or a raise.

Maintain appropriate appearance.
Dressing appropriately and maintaining good personal care habits have a big impact on how others perceive us and also on our own self confidence. What's appropriate for a given job or event can vary greatly, so we really just need to be cognizant of our surroundings to know what's appropriate. Although it may be unfair, it's a biological fact that we naturally form initial opinions about others based on outward appearance. If others see that we don't care enough to take care of ourselves they may question our ability to meet the needs of their business. This doesn't mean we have to be fashion obsessed, but we don't want to get noticed for wearing flip-flops when everyone else is wearing dress shoes.

Are Organized:
Having systems in place to keep track of things goes a long way toward helping us be productive and efficient. If we waste time looking for things or miss commitments because we forgot, we're inevitably going to miss out on opportunities. Not to mention the added stress we feel from unnecessary frustration and rushing around. Being disorganized can also lead clients and our bosses to second guess our commitment and ability to complete required tasks.

Have hobbies.
Having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can do wonders toward putting an extra bounce in our step. Participating in an activity that is purely for our own enjoyment offers the opportunity to both reduce stress and exercise our mind. It also helps us have a feeling of accomplishment when other aspects of our lives may not be going well by offering the opportunity to re-energize and still feel successful even when we've had a bad day.

Maintain relationships.
Social dynamics have changed considerably over the last 25 years. More adults are single, families are spread around the country and many of us are working more hours than ever. These factors create challenges around finding and maintaining quality relationships. It doesn't take a lot of time or money to send a birthday card, make a phone call or attend a social event on occasion. As the old saying goes, it's not what you know but who you know. When times get tough and we get sick or need help finding a job we need other people in our lives to help us move forward.

Take ownership of their circumstances.
Instead of complaining, pointing the blame at others and focusing on the negative when a difficult situation presents itself, successful people put their energy into finding solutions. Even under the most unfortunate of circumstances, having the ability to find meaning and purpose can go along way toward helping us cope with difficult situations. We also need to be able to consider how we may have contributed to our situation if we want to be able to avoid patterns of self-defeating behaviors. Even in cases that were entirely out of our control, it is important to find ways to empower ourselves. While we can't always control what happens to us, we can choose how to respond.

Are Action Oriented.
We all know procrastination, and making excuses are self-defeating behaviors, yet so many of us get stuck in these ruts. Having measurable goals, even small ones, are essential to personal growth and development. As the saying goes, "if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you've always got." Successful people know what they want and make a plan to attain it.

Know how to navigate gossip, drama and politics.
No matter what we do to manage our own behavior we will inevitably have to deal with difficult people. This can become particularly challenging if these individuals are a boss or close family member that we can't just simply ignore and avoid. Successful people have often times learned how to re-direct conversations, avoid controversial topics and to walk away from toxic situations so that they can maintain important relationships without unnecessary baggage. We can't always stop the drama queens, but we don't need to participate either.

Know Thyself.
Above all, successful people know who they are, what they want and don't allow outside influences to distract them. They know what their strengths are and also what doesn't suit them. Their definition of success is defined by their ability to achieve their desires rather than what society deems to be a sign of success.

Don't Take My Advice

Demystifying Gurus & Making Informed Choices

There are a lot of great motivational folks out there, especially in the financial field, and many of them offer fantastic advice. At the same time, however, it can often be noted that many of these gurus can come off as fanatical. They present their solutions as all or nothing and if we dare to consider a differing opinion then we're doomed to disaster. This is all part of being a media mogul and it's something we need to be aware of when we follow these sorts of advice giving celebrities.

Whether it's the FICO score obsessed, Suze Orman or the debt-phobic, Dave Ramsey, the use of fear and absolutes is a common tactic among such gurus who are out to sell you on their brand. The more they can convince us that they have the best and only real method of obtaining financial success the more they can get us to spend on their system. It's all sales and marketing so we need to be educated consumers when we take in information just as we should be when we make tangible purchases.

Now don't get me wrong, I think there are a lot of great ideas presented by the individuals mentioned above. I find Dave Ramsey's radio show to be incredibly motivating and I've recommended his book to many of my friends and family. But, do I think you're a loser if you lease a car? No. Do I think it's sometimes necessary to borrow money for college? Yes. Yet when it comes to tackling debt and building savings, I don't think you'll find a better system out there.

The point is when we allow ourselves to become enchanted by gurus of any kind we can often end up feeling let down. We spend money on books, products and seminars only to have the initial enthusiasm wear off and end up back where we started. When we take in this sort of guidance it should be to motivate us and help us make better choices and not to simply conform ourselves into someone else's ideal.

Be Well!
- Nicole