Disconnecting From Toxic People and Situations
I was on one of my thought trains the other day, venting in my own head about a current situation in my life when I just hit a wall and thought, "Enough is enough. I'm not spending any more mental energy on these people or this situation." It got me thinking about ghost hunting shows and how those who feel they have demons in their home deal with them. If you've never seen one of these shows the approach generally boils down to a blunt demand of "Go away demon!" which will often be followed by some prayer.
Now I don't think the people or situation I'm dealing with are demonic necessarily, but I do think this is a helpful metaphor. There are times in our lives when we are forced to deal with toxic or even abusive people. These relationships can be very draining and even psychologically damaging if we're not able to effectively manage them. Often times we can co-exist with most individuals through healthy boundaries; however, there are times when this may not be enough and we have to admit that there will never be peace with the given dynamics.
How do we know when enough is enough? Well, there are a few things to look at. Do you find yourself constantly venting about the person or situation? Is someone abusing, harassing or discriminating against you? Do you find yourself having arguments in your head with this person? Do you feel the need to constantly have to defend or explain yourself for seemingly no reason? Is someone deliberately sabotaging you, gossiping, spreading lies, etc? Are you experiencing anxiety or depression related to this person or situation? You don't need to justify your worth to an abuser. You don't need explain your rights to someone with prejudice. You don't need to tolerate harassment. If any of these are a persistent part of our reality it may be time to accept that this is a situation or relationship that can't be improved and it's time to move on. But what if you can't make an immediate exit?
There are varying reasons why we may have to bide our time in a less than stellar situation. As long as we are not at risk of serious harm this can be managed using one simple technique. Get ready and say it with me..."Go away demon!"
I know it seems dramatic, but first off let me say this isn't something I expect anyone to say out loud and it probably shouldn't be said to anyone directly. Maybe you don't use this at all, perhaps another mantra would work better for you. Why I like this particular saying is simply this. When someone believes they have a demon in their home they've generally come to the consensus that there is an energy force in their house that is not conducive to their well being. They don't want to make peace with it, rationalize with it, explain their rights to it. They recognize that this is an entity that is not interested in existing in harmony with those around it and there is nothing they can do to change that. They simply want it gone. Often time these situations and individuals are like that and the more we engage with them or even about them to others or in our own head the more we perpetuate the madness they create in our lives.
Our natural reflex is always going to be to want to defend ourselves and maybe even stew in frustration about how we've been wronged. We do this because we don't want to be misperceived, but mostly we do it because deep down most of us just want to get along with each other and it's bothersome to not be able to "make it work". Unfortunately the feeling is not always mutual.
Showing posts with label gossip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gossip. Show all posts
Friday, September 18, 2015
Thursday, August 7, 2014
The Perplexing Case of Ohio State
A Symptom of a Bigger Issue
The director of the award winning Ohio State marching band was fired recently for allegedly allowing a hyper-sexual culture in the band program that, in the opinion of some, amounted to sexual harassment. Now we don't really know what exactly happened other than what has been reported by the media. However, the general feeling is that decades of somewhat risque traditions came to a screeching halt when a handful of people became offended.
Now what does this have to do with career, money and our lives? The fact is that this type of scenario is a symptom of a much broader issue. It was not that long ago when women were often expected to brush off advances and even unwanted touches by their boss. In response we saw the feminist movement and slogans like, "no means no" and "take back the night". It was a necessary and well intended change, but I have to wonder if in some cases we're missing the point of these efforts.
I once had a friendly debate with a friend on the topic. I suggested that women should stand up for themselves and set boundaries when faced with an inappropriate male attention. She argued that this was blaming the victim, that women shouldn't have to do anything and that men should just know better. I agree that in a perfect world that should be the case, but the fact is no matter how much progress women make toward equality there will always be chauvinists. There are also some cases where the offending party may not even realize that their actions are unwanted. The question then becomes, what do we brush off? When should school administrators, HR departments, or in this case, the State Attorney General become involved? At what point do we jeopardize someone's future because we were offended?
It's a delicate balance. Working in a male dominated industry I can honestly say I wouldn't be able to function in my industry if I allowed myself to become flustered by every sexist comment or act of chauvinism I've encountered from co-workers, bosses and even clients. It demands a unique sort of tolerance. That's not to say we should be tolerant of everything. There are times when behavior crosses a line and it becomes necessary for a third party to become involved to resolve a particular situation. And of course a full on assault is absolutely never acceptable. That's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is more the day to day casual comments or even traditions that might raise eyebrows but are not necessarily done with malice.
We also have to consider how, as a culture, we're handling this. It seems that an unfortunate consequence of the feminist movement is that on a societal level men are now seen as predators and women as victims. Instead of playing the blame game we should be working together to set reasonable boundaries. We should also communicate with each other when appropriate to work out our differences. Not just in instances like these, but in many organizational disagreements. Too often I see people running to the boss and blindsiding their co-worker when it is something that should really be resolved between those involved.
I suppose tolerance and communication is the lesson in all of this. I've said it before and I'll continue to say that we have to accept that we can't control the behavior of others. We have to expect that occasionally people will say and do things that are inappropriate and offensive. If we waste our energy walking around being offended and angry, we're only hurting ourselves. Deal with it or be done with it!
The director of the award winning Ohio State marching band was fired recently for allegedly allowing a hyper-sexual culture in the band program that, in the opinion of some, amounted to sexual harassment. Now we don't really know what exactly happened other than what has been reported by the media. However, the general feeling is that decades of somewhat risque traditions came to a screeching halt when a handful of people became offended.
Now what does this have to do with career, money and our lives? The fact is that this type of scenario is a symptom of a much broader issue. It was not that long ago when women were often expected to brush off advances and even unwanted touches by their boss. In response we saw the feminist movement and slogans like, "no means no" and "take back the night". It was a necessary and well intended change, but I have to wonder if in some cases we're missing the point of these efforts.
I once had a friendly debate with a friend on the topic. I suggested that women should stand up for themselves and set boundaries when faced with an inappropriate male attention. She argued that this was blaming the victim, that women shouldn't have to do anything and that men should just know better. I agree that in a perfect world that should be the case, but the fact is no matter how much progress women make toward equality there will always be chauvinists. There are also some cases where the offending party may not even realize that their actions are unwanted. The question then becomes, what do we brush off? When should school administrators, HR departments, or in this case, the State Attorney General become involved? At what point do we jeopardize someone's future because we were offended?
It's a delicate balance. Working in a male dominated industry I can honestly say I wouldn't be able to function in my industry if I allowed myself to become flustered by every sexist comment or act of chauvinism I've encountered from co-workers, bosses and even clients. It demands a unique sort of tolerance. That's not to say we should be tolerant of everything. There are times when behavior crosses a line and it becomes necessary for a third party to become involved to resolve a particular situation. And of course a full on assault is absolutely never acceptable. That's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is more the day to day casual comments or even traditions that might raise eyebrows but are not necessarily done with malice.
We also have to consider how, as a culture, we're handling this. It seems that an unfortunate consequence of the feminist movement is that on a societal level men are now seen as predators and women as victims. Instead of playing the blame game we should be working together to set reasonable boundaries. We should also communicate with each other when appropriate to work out our differences. Not just in instances like these, but in many organizational disagreements. Too often I see people running to the boss and blindsiding their co-worker when it is something that should really be resolved between those involved.
I suppose tolerance and communication is the lesson in all of this. I've said it before and I'll continue to say that we have to accept that we can't control the behavior of others. We have to expect that occasionally people will say and do things that are inappropriate and offensive. If we waste our energy walking around being offended and angry, we're only hurting ourselves. Deal with it or be done with it!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Identifying and Achieving Success
When living in a western society it is often of great importance for many of us to feel successful. Unfortunately many of us often base our definition of success on material achievements. The truth is we really can never assume one way or the other if someone is successful based solely outward appearance. Real success is more than an image; it's a state of being. It's waking up every morning with a sense of peace, fulfillment and knowing that we're moving toward what benefits us and away from what doesn't.
So, how do we become successful? From what I've observed successful people tend to have a certain set of attitudes and behaviors. A lot of these characteristics are a natural part of the personality of successful people, but all of these traits can also be learned.
So what makes people successful? Successful people:
Like to learn new things.
Whether it's reading a book, watching a documentary or taking a class, successful people tend to be inquisitive by nature. Thus they tend to spend a good amount of their free time learning new things and making a point to pay attention to the world around them rather than hang out on the couch or at the mall. Having a well rounded knowledge makes it easier to make connections with people, especially in mixed company where making friends, maintaining relationships or networking for business is important.
Are always progressing professionally.
No matter what we do for work, there are always actions we can be taking to move forward in our jobs. Those who are successful at work are proactive about always seeking out opportunities to help others, learning new tasks, working with mentors, or developing projects that will improve their workplace. They're also not shy to ask their boss for a review or a raise.
Maintain appropriate appearance.
Dressing appropriately and maintaining good personal care habits have a big impact on how others perceive us and also on our own self confidence. What's appropriate for a given job or event can vary greatly, so we really just need to be cognizant of our surroundings to know what's appropriate. Although it may be unfair, it's a biological fact that we naturally form initial opinions about others based on outward appearance. If others see that we don't care enough to take care of ourselves they may question our ability to meet the needs of their business. This doesn't mean we have to be fashion obsessed, but we don't want to get noticed for wearing flip-flops when everyone else is wearing dress shoes.
Are Organized:
Having systems in place to keep track of things goes a long way toward helping us be productive and efficient. If we waste time looking for things or miss commitments because we forgot, we're inevitably going to miss out on opportunities. Not to mention the added stress we feel from unnecessary frustration and rushing around. Being disorganized can also lead clients and our bosses to second guess our commitment and ability to complete required tasks.
Have hobbies.
Having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can do wonders toward putting an extra bounce in our step. Participating in an activity that is purely for our own enjoyment offers the opportunity to both reduce stress and exercise our mind. It also helps us have a feeling of accomplishment when other aspects of our lives may not be going well by offering the opportunity to re-energize and still feel successful even when we've had a bad day.
Maintain relationships.
Social dynamics have changed considerably over the last 25 years. More adults are single, families are spread around the country and many of us are working more hours than ever. These factors create challenges around finding and maintaining quality relationships. It doesn't take a lot of time or money to send a birthday card, make a phone call or attend a social event on occasion. As the old saying goes, it's not what you know but who you know. When times get tough and we get sick or need help finding a job we need other people in our lives to help us move forward.
Take ownership of their circumstances.
Instead of complaining, pointing the blame at others and focusing on the negative when a difficult situation presents itself, successful people put their energy into finding solutions. Even under the most unfortunate of circumstances, having the ability to find meaning and purpose can go along way toward helping us cope with difficult situations. We also need to be able to consider how we may have contributed to our situation if we want to be able to avoid patterns of self-defeating behaviors. Even in cases that were entirely out of our control, it is important to find ways to empower ourselves. While we can't always control what happens to us, we can choose how to respond.
Are Action Oriented.
We all know procrastination, and making excuses are self-defeating behaviors, yet so many of us get stuck in these ruts. Having measurable goals, even small ones, are essential to personal growth and development. As the saying goes, "if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you've always got." Successful people know what they want and make a plan to attain it.
Know how to navigate gossip, drama and politics.
No matter what we do to manage our own behavior we will inevitably have to deal with difficult people. This can become particularly challenging if these individuals are a boss or close family member that we can't just simply ignore and avoid. Successful people have often times learned how to re-direct conversations, avoid controversial topics and to walk away from toxic situations so that they can maintain important relationships without unnecessary baggage. We can't always stop the drama queens, but we don't need to participate either.
Know Thyself.
Above all, successful people know who they are, what they want and don't allow outside influences to distract them. They know what their strengths are and also what doesn't suit them. Their definition of success is defined by their ability to achieve their desires rather than what society deems to be a sign of success.
So, how do we become successful? From what I've observed successful people tend to have a certain set of attitudes and behaviors. A lot of these characteristics are a natural part of the personality of successful people, but all of these traits can also be learned.
So what makes people successful? Successful people:
Like to learn new things.
Whether it's reading a book, watching a documentary or taking a class, successful people tend to be inquisitive by nature. Thus they tend to spend a good amount of their free time learning new things and making a point to pay attention to the world around them rather than hang out on the couch or at the mall. Having a well rounded knowledge makes it easier to make connections with people, especially in mixed company where making friends, maintaining relationships or networking for business is important.
Are always progressing professionally.
No matter what we do for work, there are always actions we can be taking to move forward in our jobs. Those who are successful at work are proactive about always seeking out opportunities to help others, learning new tasks, working with mentors, or developing projects that will improve their workplace. They're also not shy to ask their boss for a review or a raise.
Maintain appropriate appearance.
Dressing appropriately and maintaining good personal care habits have a big impact on how others perceive us and also on our own self confidence. What's appropriate for a given job or event can vary greatly, so we really just need to be cognizant of our surroundings to know what's appropriate. Although it may be unfair, it's a biological fact that we naturally form initial opinions about others based on outward appearance. If others see that we don't care enough to take care of ourselves they may question our ability to meet the needs of their business. This doesn't mean we have to be fashion obsessed, but we don't want to get noticed for wearing flip-flops when everyone else is wearing dress shoes.
Are Organized:
Having systems in place to keep track of things goes a long way toward helping us be productive and efficient. If we waste time looking for things or miss commitments because we forgot, we're inevitably going to miss out on opportunities. Not to mention the added stress we feel from unnecessary frustration and rushing around. Being disorganized can also lead clients and our bosses to second guess our commitment and ability to complete required tasks.
Have hobbies.
Having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can do wonders toward putting an extra bounce in our step. Participating in an activity that is purely for our own enjoyment offers the opportunity to both reduce stress and exercise our mind. It also helps us have a feeling of accomplishment when other aspects of our lives may not be going well by offering the opportunity to re-energize and still feel successful even when we've had a bad day.
Maintain relationships.
Social dynamics have changed considerably over the last 25 years. More adults are single, families are spread around the country and many of us are working more hours than ever. These factors create challenges around finding and maintaining quality relationships. It doesn't take a lot of time or money to send a birthday card, make a phone call or attend a social event on occasion. As the old saying goes, it's not what you know but who you know. When times get tough and we get sick or need help finding a job we need other people in our lives to help us move forward.
Take ownership of their circumstances.
Instead of complaining, pointing the blame at others and focusing on the negative when a difficult situation presents itself, successful people put their energy into finding solutions. Even under the most unfortunate of circumstances, having the ability to find meaning and purpose can go along way toward helping us cope with difficult situations. We also need to be able to consider how we may have contributed to our situation if we want to be able to avoid patterns of self-defeating behaviors. Even in cases that were entirely out of our control, it is important to find ways to empower ourselves. While we can't always control what happens to us, we can choose how to respond.
Are Action Oriented.
We all know procrastination, and making excuses are self-defeating behaviors, yet so many of us get stuck in these ruts. Having measurable goals, even small ones, are essential to personal growth and development. As the saying goes, "if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you've always got." Successful people know what they want and make a plan to attain it.
Know how to navigate gossip, drama and politics.
No matter what we do to manage our own behavior we will inevitably have to deal with difficult people. This can become particularly challenging if these individuals are a boss or close family member that we can't just simply ignore and avoid. Successful people have often times learned how to re-direct conversations, avoid controversial topics and to walk away from toxic situations so that they can maintain important relationships without unnecessary baggage. We can't always stop the drama queens, but we don't need to participate either.
Know Thyself.
Above all, successful people know who they are, what they want and don't allow outside influences to distract them. They know what their strengths are and also what doesn't suit them. Their definition of success is defined by their ability to achieve their desires rather than what society deems to be a sign of success.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Spring Rejuvination!
On the tail of a full moon spring has finally arrived! This combined with the general spiritual peace that the season of Lent brings has left me with a strong desire to simplify and cleanse. For me, spring cleaning isn't just about washing the windows and drapes; it's about going through all aspects of my life from top to bottom and taking time to examine what works and what doesn't. I know a lot of people like to do this around the New Year, but for me the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is too distracting to really focus on making real, lasting change. With the lengthening days, warmer temperatures and general stillness that comes with late winter, I find that by the time the spring equinox comes around I have had the time I need to reflect and am geared up for renewal.
One area of my life where I have felt a bit restless is in my career. I'm taking some time to explore my future and what best suits me, but in the mean time I still have a job to do. While I have some frustrations at the moment it really hit me today that I need to stop letting that consume me so much. It's one of those "Lord grant me the wisdom..." situations where I have to realize that it's up to me to control my experience.
What am I talking about exactly? I'm talking about those toxic workplace situations like gossip, politics, poor communication, bad leadership, etc. I'm just bored with it. It's not serving me to continue to wallow in the negativity that exists in my workplace. It's time for me to remind myself of the fact that I can't control anyone else's behavior, only my own. It's up to me to turn the other cheek, have some pride, and get back to work, because as long as I'm whining and complaining I'm part of the problem.
So, what now? Well to start, I decided to take a bit of a time out at the end of my day today and clean my office. I went top to bottom through every drawer and shelf, even removing some items from the person who used my office before me! I had allowed my desk especially to become way too cluttered. This is unlike me as I thrive on a well organized workspace. The mess was definitely throwing me off my game. When I was done every surface was free from dust, every object had a place, and for the first time in a while I left the office with a smile on my face.
Will there still be frustrations as I navigate this area of my life? You bet! But, I'm really going to work on not letting the negativity get the best of me. When we are frustrated with our jobs it's important that we avoid mentally checking out. Damaging professional relationships, lowering our personal standards, and tarnishing our reputations can have long lasting consequences that we might not be fully considering when we're feeling burned out at work. We need to find ways to experience some joy and peace until we can figure out what's next for us. Often times just making a conscious choice to stop feeding the negativity in our own heads and with our co-workers is a good start. After that, the best thing we can do is keep busy. A lot of times office drama brews when there is too much idle time. By keeping busy time goes by and we have less time to focus on the negative.
Obviously every work situation is different, but the one constant is that we control how we respond.
One area of my life where I have felt a bit restless is in my career. I'm taking some time to explore my future and what best suits me, but in the mean time I still have a job to do. While I have some frustrations at the moment it really hit me today that I need to stop letting that consume me so much. It's one of those "Lord grant me the wisdom..." situations where I have to realize that it's up to me to control my experience.
What am I talking about exactly? I'm talking about those toxic workplace situations like gossip, politics, poor communication, bad leadership, etc. I'm just bored with it. It's not serving me to continue to wallow in the negativity that exists in my workplace. It's time for me to remind myself of the fact that I can't control anyone else's behavior, only my own. It's up to me to turn the other cheek, have some pride, and get back to work, because as long as I'm whining and complaining I'm part of the problem.
So, what now? Well to start, I decided to take a bit of a time out at the end of my day today and clean my office. I went top to bottom through every drawer and shelf, even removing some items from the person who used my office before me! I had allowed my desk especially to become way too cluttered. This is unlike me as I thrive on a well organized workspace. The mess was definitely throwing me off my game. When I was done every surface was free from dust, every object had a place, and for the first time in a while I left the office with a smile on my face.
Will there still be frustrations as I navigate this area of my life? You bet! But, I'm really going to work on not letting the negativity get the best of me. When we are frustrated with our jobs it's important that we avoid mentally checking out. Damaging professional relationships, lowering our personal standards, and tarnishing our reputations can have long lasting consequences that we might not be fully considering when we're feeling burned out at work. We need to find ways to experience some joy and peace until we can figure out what's next for us. Often times just making a conscious choice to stop feeding the negativity in our own heads and with our co-workers is a good start. After that, the best thing we can do is keep busy. A lot of times office drama brews when there is too much idle time. By keeping busy time goes by and we have less time to focus on the negative.
Obviously every work situation is different, but the one constant is that we control how we respond.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)