Go Away Demon!

Disconnecting From Toxic People and Situations

I was on one of my thought trains the other day, venting in my own head about a current situation in my life when I just hit a wall and thought, "Enough is enough. I'm not spending any more mental energy on these people or this situation." It got me thinking about ghost hunting shows and how those who feel they have demons in their home deal with them. If you've never seen one of these shows the approach generally boils down to a blunt demand of "Go away demon!" which will often be followed by some prayer.

Now I don't think the people or situation I'm dealing with are demonic necessarily, but I do think this is a helpful metaphor. There are times in our lives when we are forced to deal with toxic or even abusive people. These relationships can be very draining and even psychologically damaging if we're not able to effectively manage them. Often times we can co-exist with most individuals through healthy boundaries; however, there are times when this may not be enough and we have to admit that there will never be peace with the given dynamics.

How do we know when enough is enough? Well, there are a few things to look at. Do you find yourself constantly venting about the person or situation? Is someone abusing, harassing or discriminating against you? Do you find yourself having arguments in your head with this person? Do you feel the need to constantly have to defend or explain yourself for seemingly no reason? Is someone deliberately sabotaging you, gossiping, spreading lies, etc? Are you experiencing anxiety or depression related to this person or situation? You don't need to justify your worth to an abuser. You don't need explain your rights to someone with prejudice. You don't need to tolerate harassment. If any of these are a persistent part of our reality it may be time to accept that this is a situation or relationship that can't be improved and it's time to move on. But what if you can't make an immediate exit?

There are varying reasons why we may have to bide our time in a less than stellar situation. As long as we are not at risk of serious harm this can be managed using one simple technique. Get ready and say it with me..."Go away demon!"

I know it seems dramatic, but first off let me say this isn't something I expect anyone to say out loud and it probably shouldn't be said to anyone directly. Maybe you don't use this at all, perhaps another mantra would work better for you. Why I like this particular saying is simply this. When someone believes they have a demon in their home they've generally come to the consensus that there is an energy force in their house that is not conducive to their well being. They don't want to make peace with it, rationalize with it, explain their rights to it. They recognize that this is an entity that is not interested in existing in harmony with those around it and there is nothing they can do to change that. They simply want it gone.  Often time these situations and individuals are like that and the more we engage with them or even about them to others or in our own head the more we perpetuate the madness they create in our lives.

Our natural reflex is always going to be to want to defend ourselves and maybe even stew in frustration about how we've been wronged. We do this because we don't want to be misperceived, but mostly we do it because deep down most of us just want to get along with each other and it's bothersome to not be able to "make it work". Unfortunately the feeling is not always mutual.

Happy New Year

My Take on Goal Setting and New Year's Resolutions...

It seems hard to believe that another year has come and gone. When I was young it seemed that time moved so so so slowly. I remember being very clear in what I wanted and the agonizing pace at which time seemed move as I longed to reach the ages where I could achieve what I wanted to do. Now I find that the older I get the more I have to make a deliberate effort to slow things down and check in with myself to make sure I'm not just spinning my wheels or even moving away from what I desire. Without taking time to self-reflect and set new goals for ourselves we risk spending years without any real personal growth.

Now let me be clear that just watching myself type the phrase "set new goals" immediately made a part of my brain say "ew, no we don't like goals." When we're young our family and our culture largely dictates for us what our goals should be. From the first day of kindergarten to graduation day, the milestones we need to achieve what we want are largely assigned to us without us realizing it. Then we get to a certain age when we need to start setting our own more personalized goals. 

When I first began learning about goal-setting it involved picking a specific desired achievement and then making a detailed list of objectives to describe how that goal would be achieved. If that works for you - great. For this Gemini, that is a far too rigid approach in most cases. Personally I like to take a more fluid approach toward personal growth. Like most people my enthusiasm waxes and wanes. Instead of feeling like I failed because I only practiced piano once this week instead of four times I try to focus on simple forward motion. As long as by the end of the month I've made some progress in my playing I will be happy with that. It doesn't mean I won't work as hard at it, I'm just eliminating that sense of stress and feeling of failure that comes from unnecessary check lists.

That being said, there are times when specific goal setting is necessary. There are some areas of our lives like personal finance, our jobs and even our health where we might need to be more hyper focused on completing specific tasks on a day to day basis. Maybe you like to keep a clean inbox or make a point to take a walk every day. Creating healthy habits is absolutely the foundation of long term personal growth. It's difficult to grow if we have too much clutter in our lives. Major changes however often require a different approach and an authentic emotional investment.

It's often an oversimplification to simply strive for a particular job position, body type or financial status. To really become motivated and achieve something that's going to be life changing we should, as much as possible, actually want to do it. If our New Year resolution is to "eat healthier" that shouldn't be the beginning and end of our goal. What do we really want to do? Improve our health? Learn new recipes? Be better at meal planing? Breaking major changes down into smaller parts allows us to create a process that can actually be enjoyable rather than a chore and make us actually want to stick with it. 

Weight loss for example is a common New Year's resolution. For many of us though there is so much emotional baggage surrounding weight and food that this task can quickly become overwhelming. Instead of focusing on such a broad goal we would likely be better served by choosing a related goal. We could make a point to walk daily, or eat vegetarian a couple of times per week. If you're a gadget geek trying something like the FitBit might be fun. 

Whatever goal we have it should resonate in a way that we get excited about what we're trying to achieve. 

Be Well,

- Nicole

Embracing Autumn; The Other "New Year"

There is something about the cooler weather and shorter days of late August that never ceases in offering me a sense of pleasant anticipation. For me, the feeling of fall brings with it a sense of "returning to normal". I know that my perspective does not apply to everyone, but I know there are others out there who can relate to what I'm saying here. While I love the summer with it's warm weather, cook-outs, camp-outs and swimming, the hectic frenzy of weddings, family reunions and late nights celebrated in a haze of humidity can also be very draining. By this time of year I'm ready for a change in pace.

More than any other time of the year, fall has always presented as my best time for renewal. Maybe it's my introverted nature or years of being habituated by the rhythm of the school calendar. Perhaps it's the fatigue that comes from the sense of urgency created by the short New England summer to cram in as much fun as possible. Whatever it is, the sense of everything slowing down offers me the best opportunity to reexamine and re-energize.

Items to consider...

Intellectual Development - With the coming school year we are all inundated by the marketing messages of, "back to school." Regardless of whether or not we ourselves are students, or parents of one, this is a good time to think about where we're at with our own intellectual development. I use the term intellectual development instead of "education" because I think when we hear the word "education" we are apt to think of classes and textbooks. While taking a class is certainly part of this, it's not the only means of working our minds.

On a professional level we may work in a field that requires continuous education in which case we may be meeting this need by happenstance. For others we may not have this requirement and may need to make more of a personal effort to gain additional expertise in our profession. If your line of work does not require specific continuing education requirements, see what's available for literature, quality web content and conferences to help keep you up to speed in your field.

On a personal level, exploring areas such as our own spirituality, hobbies and interests are other avenues where we can experience intellectual development. It could be as simple as reading the biography of someone we admire, or as in depth as attending a retreat or going back to school.

Why is this important? - If we don't occasionally look outside of our own world we can become very self-centered. Before we know it we don't see past our own little world of self, children, spouse, job and all of the little in's and out's of our daily lives. By taking some time to learn something new we make connections with the world around us and are better able to balance our own sense of being with that of others.

Housekeeping - Nothing bogs us down practically and spiritually more than unnecessary clutter. It's time to get organized! There are few things in life that offer as much instant gratification as cleaning out a closet or cluttered desk. Yet we will always tend to put these sorts of things off if we don't set aside the time to deal with them.

If your not sure where to begin the best first step is often going room by room and seeing what can simply be tossed or donated. Closets and basements are usually the best places to start. From there it's a matter of going from space to space to sort out what goes where. The goal should be for everything to have it's own place and to avoid just sticking things in random places. If you need supplies to assist with storage and organization discount stores like Big Lots can be a great place to obtain containers and shelves. there are also TONS of great blogs solely dedicated to home organization.

Finances - As an extension of housekeeping, examining our finances using the "Prosperity Check" is a must this time of year. The stretch between summer vacation and the holidays is a great time to sit down and see where we're at financially. It's also a good time to plan a budget and savings plan for Christmas shopping, holiday parties and other year end obligations so we're not having to do financial gymnastics at the last minute to cover these expenses if we choose them.

Our Health - With access to fresh produce at it's peak and cooler temperatures prevailing, the fall is an ideal time to take a look at our diet and fitness habits. While I'm not a health and fitness expert I do feel confidant in saying that whatever approach we take it should be moderate and sustainable. Avoid fad diets, harsh cleanses and quick fixes. Sending yourself on a physical roller-coaster will inevitability be felt mentally as well and in the end will only prove to do more to move us away from our goals than toward them.

We also need to consider our mental health as well. What's working? What's not working? Are we taking time to decompress throughout the day, or are we frenetically bouncing from one task to the next? Are we embracing our spiritual practice or pushing it aside? There is nothing like a cool, rainy fall day to take some time for prayer and/or meditation.

Make Your Plan - Whether we choose to focus on one of these things, all of these things, or subjects not even covered here the most important point to all of this is that we're checking in with ourselves to make sure we're on track toward personal growth and that we're not holding ourselves back with procrastination and excuses.

Be Well,
Nicole

The Mystery of the Boomerang Generation

I am a young 30 something, right on the cusp of the millennial generation.What makes a Gen Y person like me different than a Millennial? I remember life before cell phones and computers. I grew up with a television the size of an oven. We had rotary phones, enormous sedans, and permed hair. I well remember the Gulf War and when Russians were the default bad guys in action films. The Clinton years, grunge and MTV were the hallmarks of my youth. Then something changed.

No this isn't going to be yet another writing about the worthlessness of "kids these days." There are a lot of things that I think Millennials do better than those of us who came before them. They demand tolerance and equality. They are largely very thoughtful and intelligent. They also have big dreams and reject conventional consumerism. While all of these traits are a breath of fresh air, they can also make for their own undoing.

A number of studies have shown that marriage is down, birth rates are down and the workforce is aging because so many young people are simply not participating in the "normal" passages of adulthood. In some respects I think it's great that young people are carving out their own definitions of what their lives should be like rather than just adhering to societal norms. At the same time, there has to be some balance and an understanding that not every aspect of life is going to be a profound experience. 

Sometimes we all have to work the job we don't like or take the boring general education class. These days when so much of our lives are customizable it can be easy to forget that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Unfortunately for these "boomerang" kids, they don't appear to see that as an option. There is a mentality of, "I went to college for X, so I am only going to do X." Especially in cases of non-traditional or arts based majors it seems that no one ever explained to them that they might need to get creative, or work a day job for a while.

It's not that I'm trying to bash these folks, nor do I look down on them. Some of these individuals are people I know and love. They're well intended, but they're beating themselves up and gradually giving up on their dreams because their expectations are just way too high in regards to where they expect to be in the short term. 

So, what's the solution? There is no real system that can be applied to existential crises such as this. What I have found when people like this open up to me is that they tend to respond well if they understand that in various ways we've all been there. We all hate our jobs sometimes, wish we lived in a different area or feel like our lives are just simply boring. It doesn't make us failures or mean we sold out. We just recognize that our lives move through cycles and hiding out in our childhood bedrooms is not a solution. Sometimes we're doing exciting things and sometimes we're not.

The bottom line is that life moves in cycles. Despite what the internet culture has lead us to be conditioned to, we can't always have what we want, when we want. We have to learn to embrace the process of reaching our goals and celebrate not only achieving what we want, but the also small accomplishments along the way.

A Little Dab Will Do Ya

When I started this blog I was hoping to regularly post each Thursday. I had a back log of material I wanted to cover and thought that would carry me through for a while. Now after a few months of posting I find myself a bit distracted with other activities and obligations. While I certainly intend to keep this blog going I am going to relax my Thursday deadline and stick to posting when I feel compelled to do so, which I'm hoping will be at least a couple of times per month. By doing this I feel that the content I offer will be richer and deeper than it would be if I was just churning out posts for the sake of it.

With all of this considered I must admit that I am a dabbler. I am prone to what I believe to be fantastic ideas for a variety of projects, making the first few moves and then never following through. In addition to blogs there have been bouts of jewelry making, sewing, painting, novel writing, skiing, golf, knitting and crochet. I used to beat myself up about it, but have been able to forgive and accept this somewhat annoying trait. At the same time I have learned how to moderate it.

The way I figure dabbling is better than being afraid to try; however, when we need to watch our budget, running out and buying supplies or equipment for something we won't follow through with is not necessarily the best idea. So what's a dabbler to do? 

In the past when I would dabble in something I would have big ideas about where it would go. After I bought a set of golf clubs I immediately started looking into tournaments. When I took up various crafts I imagined how I could turn it into a business. That's not to say that these weren't realistic long term goals, but there needs to be realistic expectations about how we'll get there. We dabblers need to learn to take baby steps.

A good way to start is with some simple research. One thing that has really curbed my dabbling is the simple existence of the internet. These days it's much easier to find out material costs and the true amount of time and skill required for any given activity. There are blogs and message boards by the hundreds where we can learn from others who have been there and done that before we make a huge investment of our own time and money.

I also like to categorize my new pursuits as low, medium or high impact. Low impact would be activities like writing or drawing that cost little to no money and can be worked into our regular schedule. I give all low impact activities a free pass. When it comes to these I say, dabble away! Medium impact activities would include activities that would be a minimal investment and moderate equipment and time considerations. This would include most crafts, sports, theater, music and arts. High impact would be those activities that would have a major impact on our budget and lifestyle. These would be things like horseback riding, car racing or pursuing a degree. Overall, the higher level of impact, the more time and research should go into researching before we take the plunge.

I hope you're all having a fantastic start to the summer!

Be Well! 

- Nicole

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

My apologies for missing my Thursday deadline again. Where did this week go! That being said I thought I would use the fact that I'm writing today, on Friday the 13th under the full moon, to address a very serious topic, with a dash of humor - the zombie apocalypse.

People who don't already know might be surprised that I'm really into zombie movies and the whole philosophical idea of a zombie apocalypse. Zombie movies are not simply gory films, but a metaphor for a society that has checked out in someway. They're about the most serious forms of psychic attack that can ultimately cause us to turn on ourselves and each other. These movies offer a visual representation of what happens to us emotionally when we lose our sense of purpose or struggle to maintain our own integrity and virtues when the world seems determined to derail us.

There are many ways we can see this happening around us. In the area where I live one of the major culprits is the use of heroin. My neighbor lost two of his former classmates in the last week alone to this horrible drug. Both of them were under 35. It makes me wonder what leads a person to make the decision to incapacitate themselves. This is of course an extreme example, but it is becoming more common. Even in cases that don't result in death it seems that as a population we are struggling more and more with our ability to cope with every day life.

So what do we do to prevent ourselves from heading down this rabbit hole? Well the first thing we need to recognize is whether or not we're predisposed to self-destructive behavior. If we're experiencing clinical depression, an eating disorder, abusive relationships, addiction or other compulsive behavior, professional help is the necessary next step. Many people though often feel they are more or less just mildly miserable as they go through their daily life. These individuals might not be ready to put a needle in their arm, but it doesn't mean some change isn't needed.

Many people I know in this situation are often stuck in a victim mentality, at least when it comes to certain areas of their lives. They see their situation as something that happened to them and don't believe they themselves have control. How to shake this will vary from person to person. The first step and most difficult step is always the self awareness to know that we need to make a change and that it's up to us to do so. We can't sit around waiting for our boss to make our job better or our spouse to make our relationship better. From there comes the task of learning to cope with the challenges we face.

I don't have any quick answers for this. The journey will be different for everyone, but the key is that if we don't want to become a society riddled with gun violence and drug use we must learn to cope. The threat of a zombie apocalypse is metaphorically always threatening, but through love, compassion and hope we can work together to scare those zombies away.

Happy Friday the 13th!

- Nicole

Fake It 'Till You Make It

I'm obviously a few days late with my blog post. Unfortunately last week I faced the loss of a dear family member. I wanted some time to think about how I could apply this experience to my message here. While going through the grieving process it occurred to me just how resilient we can be when faced with difficult times and how important it is to always face what is in front of us no matter how scary it may seem. This is true not only in the event of an unexpected death, but in all aspects of our lives that we may find challenging.

I remember in college while preparing for internships my classmates and I were all very nervous. We were asking our professor tons of "what-if" questions. She answered a few and then said, "Listen, none of you are going to be doing anything you're not capable of. Just fake it 'till you make it." This advice has stuck with me ever since because it is so true.

We can't prepare for every challenge that comes our way and it can become all too easy to convince ourselves that we're just not ready, or that something is not for us. Whether it's moving past an obstacle like job loss, divorce, death, or challenging ourselves with a life change, there comes a point when we need to throw ourselves into the mix even if our confidence is a bit lacking.

This is not to say that one should be reckless, but once we've completed reasonable actions to prepare ourselves for what we need to face, there comes a point when we need to decide where preparation and self healing ends and procrastination and denial begins. This will certainly be different for everyone. Some people seem to have a natural ability to navigate challenges, while others need more time. The important thing is to be aware of where we're at so we're not hanging on to a past that is no longer possible or longer suits us.

Wealth Shame

How do you feel about people with money? I'm not talking celebrities, but people that you know who are doing really well, drive nice cars, have nice houses, own the latest technology, etc. Do you feel like they're greedy? Do you figure that they must be workaholics and neglect their families?  Do you assume they must be taking advantage of people, or that they must be doing something unethical for them to have the lifestyle that they have? 

Some might call this jealousy, but I see it more as a feeling of shame. There are several possible sources of this. This seems to happen a lot to those of us who grew up in more low to middle income, blue collar families. There is a part of us that might feel we are snubbing how we grew up if we desire a different lifestyle. Maybe your parents were laid off frequently or unfairly denied bonuses or promotions. Perhaps someone you care about got caught up in a scam or was taken advantage of in some monetary way. Or, maybe your grandparents lost a sizable portion of their retirement savings in the stock market. 

If these types of experiences are what we're familiar with, people with money will often feel to us like predators. We may also find that even if we are able to overcome these feelings and events, that our loved ones may not be. They may accuse us of being materialistic or workaholics when we strive for or obtain more wealth. 

It's important that we then understand that if our loved ones do struggle with this, it is not about us. They have likely been hurt or feel discouraged with their own circumstances. In these cases when these conversations come up, it's best if we try to be sympathetic and not argumentative. We should try to avoid defending ourselves and instead redirect the conversation in a positive light. 

For example, if we mention to someone that we're going on a vacation or buying something nice and they make a comment along the lines of "must be nice" a good response would be to acknowledge what went into earning that vacation. We could reply with something like "yes, I've been saving for months" and then try to change the subject. It communicates that we're not ashamed of our success and that it wasn't handed to us. 

We should also be mindful to gauge our audience and to consider if we might be doing too much bragging. We deserve to freely celebrate our accomplishments, but if we're always rubbing our awesomeness in the faces of others (especially those who are in unfortunate circumstances) our behavior can come off as conceited rather than joyful. It's all about finding that balance between embracing our success while also remembering that there are those who are not so fortunate.

Another situation we might find is that if we tend to be empathetic, we may have a difficult time enjoying our success if we know others are suffering. We end up seeing wealth as a shameful thing because we view prosperity through the lens of "someone had to lose out for me to gain". We're constantly hearing horrible stories of poor working conditions, child labor, industrial accidents, famine and drought. It's understandable that we have these feelings when we consider all the ways in which people are exploited for others to have monetary gain.

First and foremost we have to have a reasonable acceptance for the things we can not control. Whether or not an individual purchases a particular item is not going to change a society or a company. This doesn't mean we should disregard our ideals, just that we need to keep perspective about our role and impact in the larger economy. 

With that in mind we should consider how being in a more financially secure position can allow us to advocate for the causes that interest us the most. The most important votes we make are often those which we cast with our dollar. The economy works on the basic principal of supply and demand. The more individuals demand ethically produced goods, the more they will be produced. However, the goods which are the most ethically made are often times some of the most expensive. Being in a better financial position allows us to support the companies with the best practices. 

Also consider how it would feel the next time a friend is in a bind, a natural disaster occurs or your favorite charity is looking for a donation. Instead of sighing and having to turn away, wouldn't it be great to make that gift or donation? Being in a good financial position can be very empowering in this way when we understand the positive impact we can have on other people's lives and that having wealth is not all about taking. 

Overall, when we find ourselves making judgments about those who are wealthy it becomes very difficult for us to allow ourselves to be prosperous. When there is this part of us that disapproves there will also be a part of us that's always going to resist obtaining wealth, because we see it as a negative character trait. We don't believe that we can ever have with those people have because we assume that they're doing something negative to obtain what they have. We throw our money away on the presumption that you can never have what they have because we would never do whatever horrible thing it is that we presume they've done to obtain their wealth.

This may also be reflected in our career. We might keep our standards low because we think that being an executive or entrepreneur is not a realistic goal for people "like us." We might stay in jobs we don't like for too long because we think we should learn to just be happy with where we're at. We hold ourselves back unnecessarily when we limit our vision for ourselves. 

The bottom line is we have to remember we are not abandoning our friends and loved ones simply because we desire or obtain wealth. It's a fact of life that some people do well financially and others do not. As long as we are humble and generous there is no reason for shame.

Be Well! 
- Nicole