The Mystery of the Boomerang Generation

I am a young 30 something, right on the cusp of the millennial generation.What makes a Gen Y person like me different than a Millennial? I remember life before cell phones and computers. I grew up with a television the size of an oven. We had rotary phones, enormous sedans, and permed hair. I well remember the Gulf War and when Russians were the default bad guys in action films. The Clinton years, grunge and MTV were the hallmarks of my youth. Then something changed.

No this isn't going to be yet another writing about the worthlessness of "kids these days." There are a lot of things that I think Millennials do better than those of us who came before them. They demand tolerance and equality. They are largely very thoughtful and intelligent. They also have big dreams and reject conventional consumerism. While all of these traits are a breath of fresh air, they can also make for their own undoing.

A number of studies have shown that marriage is down, birth rates are down and the workforce is aging because so many young people are simply not participating in the "normal" passages of adulthood. In some respects I think it's great that young people are carving out their own definitions of what their lives should be like rather than just adhering to societal norms. At the same time, there has to be some balance and an understanding that not every aspect of life is going to be a profound experience. 

Sometimes we all have to work the job we don't like or take the boring general education class. These days when so much of our lives are customizable it can be easy to forget that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Unfortunately for these "boomerang" kids, they don't appear to see that as an option. There is a mentality of, "I went to college for X, so I am only going to do X." Especially in cases of non-traditional or arts based majors it seems that no one ever explained to them that they might need to get creative, or work a day job for a while.

It's not that I'm trying to bash these folks, nor do I look down on them. Some of these individuals are people I know and love. They're well intended, but they're beating themselves up and gradually giving up on their dreams because their expectations are just way too high in regards to where they expect to be in the short term. 

So, what's the solution? There is no real system that can be applied to existential crises such as this. What I have found when people like this open up to me is that they tend to respond well if they understand that in various ways we've all been there. We all hate our jobs sometimes, wish we lived in a different area or feel like our lives are just simply boring. It doesn't make us failures or mean we sold out. We just recognize that our lives move through cycles and hiding out in our childhood bedrooms is not a solution. Sometimes we're doing exciting things and sometimes we're not.

The bottom line is that life moves in cycles. Despite what the internet culture has lead us to be conditioned to, we can't always have what we want, when we want. We have to learn to embrace the process of reaching our goals and celebrate not only achieving what we want, but the also small accomplishments along the way.

Identifying and Achieving Success

When living in a western society it is often of great importance for many of us to feel successful. Unfortunately many of us often base our definition of success on material achievements. The truth is we really can never assume one way or the other if someone is successful based solely outward appearance. Real success is more than an image; it's a state of being. It's waking up every morning with a sense of peace, fulfillment and knowing that we're moving toward what benefits us and away from what doesn't.

So, how do we become successful? From what I've observed successful people tend to have a certain set of attitudes and behaviors. A lot of these characteristics are a natural part of the personality of successful people, but all of these traits can also be learned.

So what makes people successful? Successful people:

Like to learn new things.
Whether it's reading a book, watching a documentary or taking a class, successful people tend to be inquisitive by nature. Thus they tend to spend a good amount of their free time learning new things and making a point to pay attention to the world around them rather than hang out on the couch or at the mall. Having a well rounded knowledge makes it easier to make connections with people, especially in mixed company where making friends, maintaining relationships or networking for business is important.

Are always progressing professionally.
No matter what we do for work, there are always actions we can be taking to move forward in our jobs. Those who are successful at work are proactive about always seeking out opportunities to help others, learning new tasks, working with mentors, or developing projects that will improve their workplace. They're also not shy to ask their boss for a review or a raise.

Maintain appropriate appearance.
Dressing appropriately and maintaining good personal care habits have a big impact on how others perceive us and also on our own self confidence. What's appropriate for a given job or event can vary greatly, so we really just need to be cognizant of our surroundings to know what's appropriate. Although it may be unfair, it's a biological fact that we naturally form initial opinions about others based on outward appearance. If others see that we don't care enough to take care of ourselves they may question our ability to meet the needs of their business. This doesn't mean we have to be fashion obsessed, but we don't want to get noticed for wearing flip-flops when everyone else is wearing dress shoes.

Are Organized:
Having systems in place to keep track of things goes a long way toward helping us be productive and efficient. If we waste time looking for things or miss commitments because we forgot, we're inevitably going to miss out on opportunities. Not to mention the added stress we feel from unnecessary frustration and rushing around. Being disorganized can also lead clients and our bosses to second guess our commitment and ability to complete required tasks.

Have hobbies.
Having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can do wonders toward putting an extra bounce in our step. Participating in an activity that is purely for our own enjoyment offers the opportunity to both reduce stress and exercise our mind. It also helps us have a feeling of accomplishment when other aspects of our lives may not be going well by offering the opportunity to re-energize and still feel successful even when we've had a bad day.

Maintain relationships.
Social dynamics have changed considerably over the last 25 years. More adults are single, families are spread around the country and many of us are working more hours than ever. These factors create challenges around finding and maintaining quality relationships. It doesn't take a lot of time or money to send a birthday card, make a phone call or attend a social event on occasion. As the old saying goes, it's not what you know but who you know. When times get tough and we get sick or need help finding a job we need other people in our lives to help us move forward.

Take ownership of their circumstances.
Instead of complaining, pointing the blame at others and focusing on the negative when a difficult situation presents itself, successful people put their energy into finding solutions. Even under the most unfortunate of circumstances, having the ability to find meaning and purpose can go along way toward helping us cope with difficult situations. We also need to be able to consider how we may have contributed to our situation if we want to be able to avoid patterns of self-defeating behaviors. Even in cases that were entirely out of our control, it is important to find ways to empower ourselves. While we can't always control what happens to us, we can choose how to respond.

Are Action Oriented.
We all know procrastination, and making excuses are self-defeating behaviors, yet so many of us get stuck in these ruts. Having measurable goals, even small ones, are essential to personal growth and development. As the saying goes, "if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you've always got." Successful people know what they want and make a plan to attain it.

Know how to navigate gossip, drama and politics.
No matter what we do to manage our own behavior we will inevitably have to deal with difficult people. This can become particularly challenging if these individuals are a boss or close family member that we can't just simply ignore and avoid. Successful people have often times learned how to re-direct conversations, avoid controversial topics and to walk away from toxic situations so that they can maintain important relationships without unnecessary baggage. We can't always stop the drama queens, but we don't need to participate either.

Know Thyself.
Above all, successful people know who they are, what they want and don't allow outside influences to distract them. They know what their strengths are and also what doesn't suit them. Their definition of success is defined by their ability to achieve their desires rather than what society deems to be a sign of success.

Wealth Shame

How do you feel about people with money? I'm not talking celebrities, but people that you know who are doing really well, drive nice cars, have nice houses, own the latest technology, etc. Do you feel like they're greedy? Do you figure that they must be workaholics and neglect their families?  Do you assume they must be taking advantage of people, or that they must be doing something unethical for them to have the lifestyle that they have? 

Some might call this jealousy, but I see it more as a feeling of shame. There are several possible sources of this. This seems to happen a lot to those of us who grew up in more low to middle income, blue collar families. There is a part of us that might feel we are snubbing how we grew up if we desire a different lifestyle. Maybe your parents were laid off frequently or unfairly denied bonuses or promotions. Perhaps someone you care about got caught up in a scam or was taken advantage of in some monetary way. Or, maybe your grandparents lost a sizable portion of their retirement savings in the stock market. 

If these types of experiences are what we're familiar with, people with money will often feel to us like predators. We may also find that even if we are able to overcome these feelings and events, that our loved ones may not be. They may accuse us of being materialistic or workaholics when we strive for or obtain more wealth. 

It's important that we then understand that if our loved ones do struggle with this, it is not about us. They have likely been hurt or feel discouraged with their own circumstances. In these cases when these conversations come up, it's best if we try to be sympathetic and not argumentative. We should try to avoid defending ourselves and instead redirect the conversation in a positive light. 

For example, if we mention to someone that we're going on a vacation or buying something nice and they make a comment along the lines of "must be nice" a good response would be to acknowledge what went into earning that vacation. We could reply with something like "yes, I've been saving for months" and then try to change the subject. It communicates that we're not ashamed of our success and that it wasn't handed to us. 

We should also be mindful to gauge our audience and to consider if we might be doing too much bragging. We deserve to freely celebrate our accomplishments, but if we're always rubbing our awesomeness in the faces of others (especially those who are in unfortunate circumstances) our behavior can come off as conceited rather than joyful. It's all about finding that balance between embracing our success while also remembering that there are those who are not so fortunate.

Another situation we might find is that if we tend to be empathetic, we may have a difficult time enjoying our success if we know others are suffering. We end up seeing wealth as a shameful thing because we view prosperity through the lens of "someone had to lose out for me to gain". We're constantly hearing horrible stories of poor working conditions, child labor, industrial accidents, famine and drought. It's understandable that we have these feelings when we consider all the ways in which people are exploited for others to have monetary gain.

First and foremost we have to have a reasonable acceptance for the things we can not control. Whether or not an individual purchases a particular item is not going to change a society or a company. This doesn't mean we should disregard our ideals, just that we need to keep perspective about our role and impact in the larger economy. 

With that in mind we should consider how being in a more financially secure position can allow us to advocate for the causes that interest us the most. The most important votes we make are often those which we cast with our dollar. The economy works on the basic principal of supply and demand. The more individuals demand ethically produced goods, the more they will be produced. However, the goods which are the most ethically made are often times some of the most expensive. Being in a better financial position allows us to support the companies with the best practices. 

Also consider how it would feel the next time a friend is in a bind, a natural disaster occurs or your favorite charity is looking for a donation. Instead of sighing and having to turn away, wouldn't it be great to make that gift or donation? Being in a good financial position can be very empowering in this way when we understand the positive impact we can have on other people's lives and that having wealth is not all about taking. 

Overall, when we find ourselves making judgments about those who are wealthy it becomes very difficult for us to allow ourselves to be prosperous. When there is this part of us that disapproves there will also be a part of us that's always going to resist obtaining wealth, because we see it as a negative character trait. We don't believe that we can ever have with those people have because we assume that they're doing something negative to obtain what they have. We throw our money away on the presumption that you can never have what they have because we would never do whatever horrible thing it is that we presume they've done to obtain their wealth.

This may also be reflected in our career. We might keep our standards low because we think that being an executive or entrepreneur is not a realistic goal for people "like us." We might stay in jobs we don't like for too long because we think we should learn to just be happy with where we're at. We hold ourselves back unnecessarily when we limit our vision for ourselves. 

The bottom line is we have to remember we are not abandoning our friends and loved ones simply because we desire or obtain wealth. It's a fact of life that some people do well financially and others do not. As long as we are humble and generous there is no reason for shame.

Be Well! 
- Nicole