Go Away Demon!

Disconnecting From Toxic People and Situations

I was on one of my thought trains the other day, venting in my own head about a current situation in my life when I just hit a wall and thought, "Enough is enough. I'm not spending any more mental energy on these people or this situation." It got me thinking about ghost hunting shows and how those who feel they have demons in their home deal with them. If you've never seen one of these shows the approach generally boils down to a blunt demand of "Go away demon!" which will often be followed by some prayer.

Now I don't think the people or situation I'm dealing with are demonic necessarily, but I do think this is a helpful metaphor. There are times in our lives when we are forced to deal with toxic or even abusive people. These relationships can be very draining and even psychologically damaging if we're not able to effectively manage them. Often times we can co-exist with most individuals through healthy boundaries; however, there are times when this may not be enough and we have to admit that there will never be peace with the given dynamics.

How do we know when enough is enough? Well, there are a few things to look at. Do you find yourself constantly venting about the person or situation? Is someone abusing, harassing or discriminating against you? Do you find yourself having arguments in your head with this person? Do you feel the need to constantly have to defend or explain yourself for seemingly no reason? Is someone deliberately sabotaging you, gossiping, spreading lies, etc? Are you experiencing anxiety or depression related to this person or situation? You don't need to justify your worth to an abuser. You don't need explain your rights to someone with prejudice. You don't need to tolerate harassment. If any of these are a persistent part of our reality it may be time to accept that this is a situation or relationship that can't be improved and it's time to move on. But what if you can't make an immediate exit?

There are varying reasons why we may have to bide our time in a less than stellar situation. As long as we are not at risk of serious harm this can be managed using one simple technique. Get ready and say it with me..."Go away demon!"

I know it seems dramatic, but first off let me say this isn't something I expect anyone to say out loud and it probably shouldn't be said to anyone directly. Maybe you don't use this at all, perhaps another mantra would work better for you. Why I like this particular saying is simply this. When someone believes they have a demon in their home they've generally come to the consensus that there is an energy force in their house that is not conducive to their well being. They don't want to make peace with it, rationalize with it, explain their rights to it. They recognize that this is an entity that is not interested in existing in harmony with those around it and there is nothing they can do to change that. They simply want it gone.  Often time these situations and individuals are like that and the more we engage with them or even about them to others or in our own head the more we perpetuate the madness they create in our lives.

Our natural reflex is always going to be to want to defend ourselves and maybe even stew in frustration about how we've been wronged. We do this because we don't want to be misperceived, but mostly we do it because deep down most of us just want to get along with each other and it's bothersome to not be able to "make it work". Unfortunately the feeling is not always mutual.

The Perplexing Case of Ohio State

A Symptom of a Bigger Issue

The director of the award winning Ohio State marching band was fired recently for allegedly allowing a hyper-sexual culture in the band program that, in the opinion of some, amounted to sexual harassment. Now we don't really know what exactly happened other than what has been reported by the media. However, the general feeling is that decades of somewhat risque traditions came to a screeching halt when a handful of people became offended.

Now what does this have to do with career, money and our lives? The fact is that this type of scenario is a symptom of a much broader issue. It was not that long ago when women were often expected to brush off advances and even unwanted touches by their boss. In response we saw the feminist movement and slogans like, "no means no" and "take back the night". It was a necessary and well intended change, but I have to wonder if in some cases we're missing the point of these efforts.

I once had a friendly debate with a friend on the topic. I suggested that women should stand up for themselves and set boundaries when faced with an inappropriate male attention. She argued that this was blaming the victim, that women shouldn't have to do anything and that men should just know better. I agree that in a perfect world that should be the case, but the fact is no matter how much progress women make toward equality there will always be chauvinists. There are also some cases where the offending party may not even realize that their actions are unwanted. The question then becomes, what do we brush off? When should school administrators, HR departments, or in this case, the State Attorney General become involved? At what point do we jeopardize someone's future because we were offended?

It's a delicate balance. Working in a male dominated industry I can honestly say I wouldn't be able to function in my industry if I allowed myself to become flustered by every sexist comment or act of chauvinism I've encountered from co-workers, bosses and even clients. It demands a unique sort of tolerance. That's not to say we should be tolerant of everything. There are times when behavior crosses a line and it becomes necessary for a third party to become involved to resolve a particular situation. And of course a full on assault is absolutely never acceptable. That's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is more the day to day casual comments or even traditions that might raise eyebrows but are not necessarily done with malice.

We also have to consider how, as a culture, we're handling this. It seems that an unfortunate consequence of the feminist movement is that on a societal level men are now seen as predators and women as victims. Instead of playing the blame game we should be working together to set reasonable boundaries. We should also communicate with each other when appropriate to work out our differences. Not just in instances like these, but in many organizational disagreements. Too often I see people running to the boss and blindsiding their co-worker when it is something that should really be resolved between those involved.

I suppose tolerance and communication is the lesson in all of this. I've said it before and I'll continue to say that we have to accept that we can't control the behavior of others. We have to expect that occasionally people will say and do things that are inappropriate and offensive. If we waste our energy walking around being offended and angry, we're only hurting ourselves. Deal with it or be done with it!