Are You Self-Centered?
No one likes to think of themselves as self-centered, but to a degree we all are. How can we not be? The problem lies when we become too self-centered and thus lose perspective. Now I want to be clear that self-centered does not equate selfishness. Someone could be very giving and also be self-centered. By self-centered I mean that we struggle with being objective or understanding the view points of others. So how do we know when we've become maybe a bit too self-absorbed and as such have lost perspective? It's a hard thing to admit, so here are some signs:
We think everyone is out to get us: While there are a handful of people out there who try to sabotage others, this is not something the average person is interested in spending their time on. If someone gives us the cold shoulder it might not even have anything to do with us. Maybe they just have something else on their mind.
Little things can throw our whole day off: Are little things like oversleeping or spilling coffee in the car enough to ruin our mood? If the answer is "yes" then it's time to take a step back. While it's normal to get upset for a minute when something like this happens, we're not doing ourselves any favors if we carry these things around all day.
Everyone knows everything about you, but you don't know what's going on with everyone else: So the coffee spilled in the car and then we went and told everyone in the office about it. One by one each of our co-workers heard "guess what happened to me this morning!" Later while sitting at our desk we hear that someone in our office just found out they need surgery or that someone's spouse is leaving them. If we get too caught up in our own stories we might not realize the difficulties also being faced by those around us.
We don't pay attention to the world around us: It's easy to lose perspective when we don't pay attention to the world around us. Even just listening to the news on the radio on the way into work or taking a look at the headlines each day can go a long way. When we begin to understand the amount of real struggle that exists in the world, spilled coffee won't seem like such a big deal.
Not having perspective is a big problem for many of us and it most certainly inhibits happiness, success and our ability to relate to others. If we're always walking around feeling sorry for ourselves, talking about our problems and acting like martyrs it's going to turn people off and limit our ability to appreciate what is going well in our lives.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Mindful Spending
Defining Necessity
I remember talking to my grandmother once about her childhood and what life was like. At one point she made the observation that if a family lived today the way her family did, they would probably be considered poor. They did not have television or computers. They didn't eat out, have cell phones or go on elaborate vacations. Yet they certainly didn't consider themselves poor.
We have to consider how much our definition of necessity has changed. The average family budget has a lot more line items than it did even just 25 years ago. Yet it seems that most of us never stop to think about these additions and what really improves our lives. Instead, we just sign up because that’s the status quo.
Homework time!
I want you to write up a quick list of all of your discretionary expenses. These are those items which are not necessities but are paid on a regular monthly basis. We’re looking for items like cable, internet, cell phones, gaming subscriptions, gym subscriptions, club fees, memberships, etc. Don’t worry about coming up with exact figures for how much you spend on each, just a rough number is fine.
Now think about something that you have wanted to buy or do. Take a look at that list. Do you really want those things as much as you want whatever it is you think you have not been able to afford?
This is all about mindful spending. We spend hundreds of dollars a month on services and subscriptions that may not even be that meaningful to us. Are people going to laugh at you because you downgraded from a smart phone to a flip-phone or dump cable? From experience I can tell you that yes, they probably will. But, if you’re finally are able to budget in that yoga class, you’ll have the last laugh!
The bottom line is, when we start appropriating our money to the things and experiences we actually want we often find we are better off then we may have realized. We were just nickel and diming ourselves in all the wrong places!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Identifying and Achieving Success
When living in a western society it is often of great importance for many of us to feel successful. Unfortunately many of us often base our definition of success on material achievements. The truth is we really can never assume one way or the other if someone is successful based solely outward appearance. Real success is more than an image; it's a state of being. It's waking up every morning with a sense of peace, fulfillment and knowing that we're moving toward what benefits us and away from what doesn't.
So, how do we become successful? From what I've observed successful people tend to have a certain set of attitudes and behaviors. A lot of these characteristics are a natural part of the personality of successful people, but all of these traits can also be learned.
So what makes people successful? Successful people:
Like to learn new things.
Whether it's reading a book, watching a documentary or taking a class, successful people tend to be inquisitive by nature. Thus they tend to spend a good amount of their free time learning new things and making a point to pay attention to the world around them rather than hang out on the couch or at the mall. Having a well rounded knowledge makes it easier to make connections with people, especially in mixed company where making friends, maintaining relationships or networking for business is important.
Are always progressing professionally.
No matter what we do for work, there are always actions we can be taking to move forward in our jobs. Those who are successful at work are proactive about always seeking out opportunities to help others, learning new tasks, working with mentors, or developing projects that will improve their workplace. They're also not shy to ask their boss for a review or a raise.
Maintain appropriate appearance.
Dressing appropriately and maintaining good personal care habits have a big impact on how others perceive us and also on our own self confidence. What's appropriate for a given job or event can vary greatly, so we really just need to be cognizant of our surroundings to know what's appropriate. Although it may be unfair, it's a biological fact that we naturally form initial opinions about others based on outward appearance. If others see that we don't care enough to take care of ourselves they may question our ability to meet the needs of their business. This doesn't mean we have to be fashion obsessed, but we don't want to get noticed for wearing flip-flops when everyone else is wearing dress shoes.
Are Organized:
Having systems in place to keep track of things goes a long way toward helping us be productive and efficient. If we waste time looking for things or miss commitments because we forgot, we're inevitably going to miss out on opportunities. Not to mention the added stress we feel from unnecessary frustration and rushing around. Being disorganized can also lead clients and our bosses to second guess our commitment and ability to complete required tasks.
Have hobbies.
Having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can do wonders toward putting an extra bounce in our step. Participating in an activity that is purely for our own enjoyment offers the opportunity to both reduce stress and exercise our mind. It also helps us have a feeling of accomplishment when other aspects of our lives may not be going well by offering the opportunity to re-energize and still feel successful even when we've had a bad day.
Maintain relationships.
Social dynamics have changed considerably over the last 25 years. More adults are single, families are spread around the country and many of us are working more hours than ever. These factors create challenges around finding and maintaining quality relationships. It doesn't take a lot of time or money to send a birthday card, make a phone call or attend a social event on occasion. As the old saying goes, it's not what you know but who you know. When times get tough and we get sick or need help finding a job we need other people in our lives to help us move forward.
Take ownership of their circumstances.
Instead of complaining, pointing the blame at others and focusing on the negative when a difficult situation presents itself, successful people put their energy into finding solutions. Even under the most unfortunate of circumstances, having the ability to find meaning and purpose can go along way toward helping us cope with difficult situations. We also need to be able to consider how we may have contributed to our situation if we want to be able to avoid patterns of self-defeating behaviors. Even in cases that were entirely out of our control, it is important to find ways to empower ourselves. While we can't always control what happens to us, we can choose how to respond.
Are Action Oriented.
We all know procrastination, and making excuses are self-defeating behaviors, yet so many of us get stuck in these ruts. Having measurable goals, even small ones, are essential to personal growth and development. As the saying goes, "if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you've always got." Successful people know what they want and make a plan to attain it.
Know how to navigate gossip, drama and politics.
No matter what we do to manage our own behavior we will inevitably have to deal with difficult people. This can become particularly challenging if these individuals are a boss or close family member that we can't just simply ignore and avoid. Successful people have often times learned how to re-direct conversations, avoid controversial topics and to walk away from toxic situations so that they can maintain important relationships without unnecessary baggage. We can't always stop the drama queens, but we don't need to participate either.
Know Thyself.
Above all, successful people know who they are, what they want and don't allow outside influences to distract them. They know what their strengths are and also what doesn't suit them. Their definition of success is defined by their ability to achieve their desires rather than what society deems to be a sign of success.
So, how do we become successful? From what I've observed successful people tend to have a certain set of attitudes and behaviors. A lot of these characteristics are a natural part of the personality of successful people, but all of these traits can also be learned.
So what makes people successful? Successful people:
Like to learn new things.
Whether it's reading a book, watching a documentary or taking a class, successful people tend to be inquisitive by nature. Thus they tend to spend a good amount of their free time learning new things and making a point to pay attention to the world around them rather than hang out on the couch or at the mall. Having a well rounded knowledge makes it easier to make connections with people, especially in mixed company where making friends, maintaining relationships or networking for business is important.
Are always progressing professionally.
No matter what we do for work, there are always actions we can be taking to move forward in our jobs. Those who are successful at work are proactive about always seeking out opportunities to help others, learning new tasks, working with mentors, or developing projects that will improve their workplace. They're also not shy to ask their boss for a review or a raise.
Maintain appropriate appearance.
Dressing appropriately and maintaining good personal care habits have a big impact on how others perceive us and also on our own self confidence. What's appropriate for a given job or event can vary greatly, so we really just need to be cognizant of our surroundings to know what's appropriate. Although it may be unfair, it's a biological fact that we naturally form initial opinions about others based on outward appearance. If others see that we don't care enough to take care of ourselves they may question our ability to meet the needs of their business. This doesn't mean we have to be fashion obsessed, but we don't want to get noticed for wearing flip-flops when everyone else is wearing dress shoes.
Are Organized:
Having systems in place to keep track of things goes a long way toward helping us be productive and efficient. If we waste time looking for things or miss commitments because we forgot, we're inevitably going to miss out on opportunities. Not to mention the added stress we feel from unnecessary frustration and rushing around. Being disorganized can also lead clients and our bosses to second guess our commitment and ability to complete required tasks.
Have hobbies.
Having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can do wonders toward putting an extra bounce in our step. Participating in an activity that is purely for our own enjoyment offers the opportunity to both reduce stress and exercise our mind. It also helps us have a feeling of accomplishment when other aspects of our lives may not be going well by offering the opportunity to re-energize and still feel successful even when we've had a bad day.
Maintain relationships.
Social dynamics have changed considerably over the last 25 years. More adults are single, families are spread around the country and many of us are working more hours than ever. These factors create challenges around finding and maintaining quality relationships. It doesn't take a lot of time or money to send a birthday card, make a phone call or attend a social event on occasion. As the old saying goes, it's not what you know but who you know. When times get tough and we get sick or need help finding a job we need other people in our lives to help us move forward.
Take ownership of their circumstances.
Instead of complaining, pointing the blame at others and focusing on the negative when a difficult situation presents itself, successful people put their energy into finding solutions. Even under the most unfortunate of circumstances, having the ability to find meaning and purpose can go along way toward helping us cope with difficult situations. We also need to be able to consider how we may have contributed to our situation if we want to be able to avoid patterns of self-defeating behaviors. Even in cases that were entirely out of our control, it is important to find ways to empower ourselves. While we can't always control what happens to us, we can choose how to respond.
Are Action Oriented.
We all know procrastination, and making excuses are self-defeating behaviors, yet so many of us get stuck in these ruts. Having measurable goals, even small ones, are essential to personal growth and development. As the saying goes, "if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you've always got." Successful people know what they want and make a plan to attain it.
Know how to navigate gossip, drama and politics.
No matter what we do to manage our own behavior we will inevitably have to deal with difficult people. This can become particularly challenging if these individuals are a boss or close family member that we can't just simply ignore and avoid. Successful people have often times learned how to re-direct conversations, avoid controversial topics and to walk away from toxic situations so that they can maintain important relationships without unnecessary baggage. We can't always stop the drama queens, but we don't need to participate either.
Know Thyself.
Above all, successful people know who they are, what they want and don't allow outside influences to distract them. They know what their strengths are and also what doesn't suit them. Their definition of success is defined by their ability to achieve their desires rather than what society deems to be a sign of success.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Shop 'Till You Drop?
Typically for those of us who shop a lot, there are some common reasons we use to justify spending money even when we might not be able to afford it. How can we tell if we're shopping too much? Well, here are some things to consider:
Do you tend to frequently purchase items and either never use them or get rid of them quickly?
Do you often purchase things you can't really afford?
Do you find yourself with a constant mental checklist of things you'd like to buy?
If we find ourselves saying yes to any one of these it may be time to stop and think about the emotions behind our decisions to spend money.
"I deserve it!" :
A common thing we tell ourselves, especially when we've spent money on something we can't afford is, "Well, I deserve it!" Maybe it's been a rough week. Maybe we've been sick or mistreated. There is nothing wrong with treating ourselves if it's within our means. We run into issues though when we start using spending to pacify ourselves. There is that moment of immediate gratification, but it quickly falls away when we have to go back to the reality of our situation.
A common thing we tell ourselves, especially when we've spent money on something we can't afford is, "Well, I deserve it!" Maybe it's been a rough week. Maybe we've been sick or mistreated. There is nothing wrong with treating ourselves if it's within our means. We run into issues though when we start using spending to pacify ourselves. There is that moment of immediate gratification, but it quickly falls away when we have to go back to the reality of our situation.
This type of behavior can manifest itself in a number of ways and can sometimes border on addiction. People do it with food, alcohol, drugs and even TV watching or internet use. These activities are used to numb the emotions surrounding the reality of our situation. The problem with this is that we rob ourselves of time and energy that could be used for more productive tasks.
"I just need X, and then I'll be happy" :
This could range from a new cell phone to a kitchen renovation. Either way this is an important habit to be aware of because it can mask deeper issues like depression. We convince ourselves that the reason for our discontent is because this one small aspect of our material world isn't how we'd like it to be. Yet not surprisingly even when we get that thing there is something else that immediately takes it's place. Just like when we use shopping as a reward, trying to buy happiness can become addictive and only really succeed in helping us to avoid our more deep rooted issues.
Keeping up appearances:
If you're making financial decisions based on what you think other's might think, you're wasting your time. No one worth your time cares what kind of car your driving, what model cell phone you have or where you buy your clothes. Most people are much more interested in their own appearance and image than that of others.
If you're making financial decisions based on what you think other's might think, you're wasting your time. No one worth your time cares what kind of car your driving, what model cell phone you have or where you buy your clothes. Most people are much more interested in their own appearance and image than that of others.
There is also nothing wrong with enjoying new trends, but we shouldn't let material things determine our self worth. When we allow ourselves to get caught up in this trap we end up spending a bunch of money on things we don't really care about or want. This can leave us feeling frustrated and short changed when there is not enough money leftover for what we really want.
You also might be surprised that many of those whom you are trying to keep up with feel the same way. I remember a period when my husband and I went without television. After an initial reaction of surprise we would often get a response along the lines of, "Oh, I wish I could do that." Yet despite the hundreds of dollars a year television costs they couldn't bring themselves to pull the plug simply because it's the status quo.
Magpie Syndrome:
Then there are some of us who just love to shop, often times for something particular like shoes, jewelry, home decor, or clothes. Some of us just love stuff and having lots of it. In these cases there is often a certain rush experienced from the act of shopping. There is often no justification made for this type of spending, and it can often times be the hardest spending habit to recognize because those who engage in it don't think they're is anything wrong with what they're doing. While a "thing for shoes" is not the end of the world if this type of behavior is causing debt or has crossed the line into hoarding there may be bigger issues.Shopping as an Activity:
Lots of people like to shop which that isn't necessarily a problem if that shopping has a purpose. What we often see though is that some of us will spend hours at the mall, wandering the isles of big box stores or browsing retail websites simply as something to do. Again, this is all about moderation. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with window shopping from time to time, but if we find that we're doing this every weekend we're setting ourselves up to overspend. It's also not the most productive use of time. I once had someone tell me they liked shopping because it was "a way to do something without actually having to do anything." That doesn't sound very fulfilling to me.
Solving Overspending:
If you have the money to spend, but would like to cut back on shopping one of the best solutions is to stop buying and start doing. Whether it's taking up a hobby, activity, enrolling in a class or taking a trip; investing in experiences will offer us more long term satisfaction than a new item.
If money is an issue and we need to cut back on overall spending we should still focus on finding things we can do that make us happy, we'll just need to be frugal about our choices. Talk a walk, read a book, dust off hobby supplies or sporting equipment we once enjoyed. Also check out what is available in the community. Many public libraries offer free and discounted passes to museums and events.
Be Well,
- Nicole
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